On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your wife must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
SIMPLE TRUTH #1
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH # 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations".
But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Ferrari than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the *******'s name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one,
when he was shot by the woman's husband.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him to f^&k off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter?
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas in order to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
Q: whats the toughest part about banging your own sister?
A: pulling her lil diapers to the side
Same Sex marriage
Michael and Gary got married in California.
They couldn't afford a real honeymoon so they drive back to Michael's Mom and Dad's house in Portland , Oregon for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Gary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Michael and Gary up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Michael and Gary up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think,
I gave him my airplane glue by mistake."
A man is standing at a bar and in walks an amazingly beautiful woman, he decides he has to meet her and approaches to ask her name...
"My name is Carmen," she says with a sly smile.
"What a great name your folks gave you, it's very unusual," he replies.
Carmen then tells him, "oh no, my parents didn't name me, I chose the name myself by combining two of my favorite things in the world, cars, and men."
Momentarily frozen the man then replies, "Hi, I'm BJ Titsengolf!"
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.
This thread will never reach its full potential without race jokes.
So I'll just refrain for fear of the banhammer.
Last Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, with tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear and a drop-dead gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked deep & steady into my eyes and I heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
I managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?”
'Tis a sad, sad tale!
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
a zen master goes into Nathans and the guy behind the counter says,"how ya want your coney"?
The zen master says, "I'll have one with everything."