On Conan last night-
Conan mails out a questionnaire to big name celebrities. Celebrity survey.
Asks three celebrities to complete the phrase.
For me, Super Bowl Sunday always means....
Kobe Bryant wrote "a good time with family and friends."
Albert Pujols wrote "beer and wings"
Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez wrote "a guaranteed day off."
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way - I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.
'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy.
'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'
Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'
DUNNO! I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'
Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he’d hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him. “Joe, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Let it go.”
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: “Joe, you’re a vet.”
Originally Posted by Big L
Q: Why did the man keep throwing Monopoly Money at the stripper?
A: Because she kept putting fake tits in his face!
Q: What do you call a male strip club?
A: A cockpit.
Q: What does a stripper do with her ******* before work?
A: She drops him off at band practice.
Q: What's the difference between a magician and a stripper?
A: One has a cunning stunt...
Q: Why do strippers make bad bankrobbers?
A: Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
Q: Whats the difference between a stripper and a mosquito?
A: When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.
Q: Why do strippers always want boob jobs?
A: Because it's the only job they are qualified for.
Q: What's the difference between a stripper and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!
Q: What does a stripper put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: How many cops does it take to push a stripper down the stairs?
A: None "She fell"
Hah! McGinley, I had you read before opening the thread. I even saw this exact post in my mind's hampur-eye.
Old couple visit New York, so they get out of the airport and get into a cab.
The cab driver asks them where are they from, so the old guy says they are from Canada.
The old lady, being hard of hearing, yells “what did he say?”. The old man replies: “HE ASKED WHERE WE ARE FROM I SAID WERE FROM CANADA!!!”
“What part of Canada are you from?”, asks the driver. “We are from Ontario”, replies the old guy.
The old lady says “what did he say?”, so the old man replies, “HE ASKED ME WHAT PART OF ONTARIO WE ARE FROM I SAID WE ARE FROM OTTAWA.”
The driver then says “Ottawa. Worst piece of ass i ever got was in Ottawa.”.
The old lady yells “what did he say?”
“HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU.”, the old guy replies
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”
Opposite of Young and Dumb and Full of Cum?
Old and Smart and Full of Fart?
Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'
Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ed.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Ed, wake up! You shlt the bed!"
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.
In pain, she screamed, “What the hell did you do that for?”.
Tarzan replied, “Tarzan always check for squirrels first.”
What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.
Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again!”
Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”
ROFL ROFL ROFL
Originally Posted by Big L
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie’s lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
The Genie said, “Nope … due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So … what’ll it be?”
The woman didn’t hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.”
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m good, but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish.”
The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That’s what I wish for … a good mate.”
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, “Let me see that fvcking map...”
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called "Bomb Jovi". They were brilliant.
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.
I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started.
Those people have no sense of Humor!!
So this truck stop whore has a tattoo of a lizard on her ankle. She's got her dentures out and she's behind the Denny's with her fifth trick of the night when he notices the tattoo. "Whoa, that's some might fine ink you got there" he says. Without missing a beat, she says "I got it in Fort Wayne 7 years ago."
Why did cavemen drag their women around by the hair?
They discovered that if you drag them by the ankles they fill up with dirt