Who are the Yankees?
The Yankees are the French of Major League Baseball. Arrogant, condesending, self-important. A former power who can not accept mediocrity.
Q: What has 400 feet and 3 teeth?
A: The first row of the bleachers at Yankee Stadium.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of Yankees players on them ...people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Yankee Fans on a Bike
Q: If you see a Yankees fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: There's a good chance it's your bicycle.
Yankee fans and Sperm
Q: What do Yankees fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Yankees in the Sand
Q: What do you have when 100 Yankees fans are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Dead Dog and a Yankee Fan
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Yankees fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What do Yankees fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Yankees fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the Yankees Fan.......Twice!
Money saving tip for Yankees fans
rather than waste more money on yet another replica hat, simply strap a large rubber ***** to your head. It'll be perfectly obvious to everyone who you support.
New York Fans on a Bridge
Q: A Yankee fan and a Jet fan jump off of a bridge. Who falls first?
A: Who cares!?
Eyes lit up
Q: How do you get a Yankee fans eyes to light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in his ear!
Driving with a Yankee fan
Q: Why is it good to be driving with a Yankee fan?
A: You can park in the handicap zone!
Big Foot and a Yankee fan
Q: What's the difference between Bigfoot and a smart Yankee fan?
A: Big Foot has been cited before!
Yankee's quick humor
Q: How do you make a Yankee fan laugh on Monday?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday!
Fax from a Yankee fan
Q: How can you tell if a Yankee fan just sent you a fax?
A: There's a stamp on it!
Yankee fans on your computer
Q: How can you tell if a Yankee fan has been using your computer?
A: There is whiteout on your screen!
Steinbrenner is lying?
Q: How can you tell when George Steinbrenner is lying?
A: His lips are moving!
Yankees marketing department
Q: What's the biggest challenge for the Yankees marketing department?
Yankees players showering
Q: Why don't Yankees players shower after home games?
A: Becuase veryone will just assume it's the city that stinks!
Chuck Knoblauch and Michael Jackson
Q: What do Chuck Knoblauch and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They both wear a glove for no aparent reason!
Paul O'Neill in High School
Paul O'Neill is trying to graduate high school. His teacher says if you solve this math problem, you can graduate: What is 14-3? Paulie says 9, and the rest of the Yankees say, "give him another chance, give him another chance!" So the teacher says "Okay, what is 7+7?" Paulie says 10. The team members say "give him another chance!" The teacher says, "OK, what is 3x3?" Paulie says 9, and the rest of the Yankees say "give him another chance, give him another chance!"
Three baseball fans leave the stadium after a game and come across a dead, naked man with breasts lying in the middle of the street. After they call the cops, they each take off their baseball caps and place them on the dead man out of respect and to cover his private parts until the cops arrive.
The first fan places his Boston Red Sox cap over his left breast, the second places his Phillies cap on his right breast and the third fan places his Yankees cap on his pubic area.
The cops finally arrive, and the officers take statements from the fans to find out what happened. After explaining that they found his naked and covered him up with their caps, the cop went over to examine the body. He briefly lifted the Red Sox cap, and quickly replaced it; then he lifted the Phillies cap, and also quickly replaced it.
However, when he lifted the Yankees cap, he stared and stared for what seemed to be two or three minutes. Finally, he let the cap drop, walked away, wrote in his notebook, then returned and lifted the Yankees cap once again and stared for a long time.
As he was walking away the second time, the fans were curious and stopped him and asked him why he spent so much time looking at the man's genitalia, and he said, "It's the first time I've seen anything but an a**hole under a Yankees cap."
Jack and Jill
Jack and Jill went up the hill For a bit of hanky panky Jill
came back With a very sore crack Jack must have been a Yankee
Sitting on a stool
Q: How do you get four Yankees to sit on a stool?
A: Turn it upside down!
Pee Wee Herman is a baseball fan?
Q:What baseball team does Pee Wee Herman like?
Yankees slugger Darryl Strawberry fouled a pitch off his foot on Sunday and now has a crack in his big toe. This is the first time that the name Strawberry and the word crack were used in the same sentence without it ending with his suspension.
Did you hear about Yankee stadium falling apart?
A huge beam fell through the deteriorating roof.
In fact, this was the first time the Yankees have had a problem with crack without it resulting in the suspension of a player.
Good ole Yogi
A couple of Yogi Berra's teammates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him.
Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.
Yankee IQ test
Q:what does your average yankee fan get on an i.q. test
Q:why would an A's/Red Sox/Mets fan keep a yankee hat on the dashboard of his car?
A: so he can park in handicaped zones
Yankees and the Devil
One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the rest of the great Yankees up here".
"Yes", snickered the devil, "but I have all the umpires."
(on the topic:
Q: What happens to a baseball player who becomes blind
A: He becomes an umpire)
A Boston Red Sox fan, a Chicago Cubs fan and a NY Yankees fan were all in Saudi Arabia performing military duty for the US Army.
While off base, they were caught sharing a smuggled case of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a sever offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime they were sentenced to death!
With the help of good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, a benevolent Sheik decided that they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik said, "It's my 1st wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each one of you one wish before your whipping".
The cubs fan was 1st in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The cubs fan was carried away bleeding and crying.
The Yankees fan was up next (he almost finished an entire 5th by himself), and after watching the scene, said "OK please fix 2 pillows to my back." But even 2 pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Yankee fan crying like a baby.
The Red Sox fan was the last up ( he had finished off the crate- given his allegiance, who could blame him), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said "you support the greatest baseball team in the world, your supporters are the best and most loyal fans in all the world. For this you may have 2 wishes"
"Thanks, your most royal highness'" the Red Sox fan replied.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes".
"Not only are you an honorable, powerful man, you are also very brave," said the Sheik. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Shiek asks..
To which the Red Sox fan replied... "Tie the Yankee fan to my back."
Four baseball fans, each from a major league city, are climbing a mountain.
On the way to the top, each is arguing about how loyal they are to their team and what they would do for their team.
As the climb progresses, the odds increase. Upon reaching the top, the Mets fan shouts, "This is for the Mets," and hurls himself off the top.
Next the Brave fan yells, "I love Atlanta, this is for the Braves," and hurls himself off the mountain.
Suddenly the Red Sox fan yells "This is for everyone," and pushes the Yankees fan off .
Einstein at a Party
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?"
The man answers, "241."
"That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?"
The lady answers, "144."
"That is great!", says Albert, "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!".
Albert then goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?"
The person answers, "51."
Albert ponders this for a moment, and then smiles and says,
Olympics in New York
(Not so much about the Yankees, but it sure explains the fans)
In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2020, the organizers of New York City's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events.
A copy has been obtained and is reproduced below.
The Olympic flame will be ignited by a gasloine bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the northern Manhanttan area), wearing the traditional costume of leather jacket, Yankee baseball cap and tattoo. It will burn for the duration of the games in a large armored truck sitting on the roof of the stadium.
In previous Olympic games, New Yorkers have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of athletes from NYC. These include:
* 100 METRES SPRINT *
Competitors will have to hold a VCR and a car stereo (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting gun, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
* 400 METRES HURDLES *
As above but with added obstacles (ie. taxicabs, trash cans, backyard fences, shopping carts, ... etc.)
* HIGH JUMP *
Barbed wires like those used in state jails are added, electrifying is optional.
* HAMMER THROW *
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grevious bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
* FENCING *
Crow bars, broken beer bottles and batons are used instead of swords.
* SHOOTING *
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving armored truck. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Stop 'N Go cashier. The final round requires competitors sitting inside a car and driving by a residential area to shoot at their targets.
* BOXING *
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Super Bowl night. The husband will be given a bottle of wine while the wife will be told not to bring him any corkscrew when the New York Jets has just lost a touchdown. The bout will then commence.
* WRESTLING *
DWI and bomber suspects are to be let loose for 30 seconds before law enforcement officers storm in. Batons and handcuffs are not allowed in this event.
* CYCLING TIME TRIALS *
Competitors will be asked to go to a college campus and steal an expensive mountain bike owned by a hillbilly on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
* CYCLING PURSUIT *
As above but the bike will be owned by a defensive line backer of the New York Jets, who will witness the theft.
* MODERN PENTATHLON *
Amended to include mugging, breaking-in, flashing, purse snapping and drug delivering.
* THE MARATHON *
A safe route has yet to be decided since it is not likely held in the Central Park. The competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.
* SWIMMING *
Competitors will choose to be either thrown off from the Brooklyn bridge or thrown into the Whitewater. The first three survivors back will decide the medals.
* MENS 50KM WALK *
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manhattan.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members from the drug dealers, abortion advocates and gay & lesbian groups, sychronized rock throwing and music by the Army Sex Scandal Band.
The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the apartment building next to the stadium.
The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and wiring, and the equipment such as the PA system, scoreboard, big screen ... etc.