Joke thread

[southparkcpa]

Originally Posted by crossfire

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure... maybe she choked.'

Take a bow...I pee'd my pants!

[Roger Vick]

A man goes golfing with his wife on a beautiful country golf course. On the 16th hole, he slices his tee shot and it ends up behind an old barn next to the fairway.

Surveying the shot, the man doesn't think he can get the ball over the barn. He's about to pick up his ball and take a penalty when his caddy says, "Wait...if I open the doors on both sides of the barn, you'll be able to hit a low line drive shot through the barn and up close to the green, you might be able to save par."

"Good idea, let's do it," says the man.

The caddy opens the doors, and the man hits a beautiful low line drive shot.

However, he doesn't realize that, just then, his wife is walking up the fairway on the other side of the barn. The ball hits her in the head, killing her instantly.

Despondent, the man is unable to play golf again for 20 years.

But, after 20 years, he musters up the strength to go out and try it again. He goes to the same, beautiful countryside golf course.

Again, on the 16th hole, he hits his ball behind the old country barn.

His caddy says, "Wait...if I open the doors on both sides of the barn, you'll be able to hit a low line drive shot through the barn and up close to the green, you might be able to save par."

The man shakes his head, "No," he says. "I tried that once, twenty years ago. Got a double bogey."

[Dimitri_0515]

A woman goes to his husband and says a bull has sex with cows 3,000 times a year. Why can't you be like a bull?

The husband says, well the bull doesn't have to **** the same cow everyday does it.

[jetsnrangers]

Crossfire, good sh*t, hilarious.

There's a guy who thinks he has a big dick and he's in a public bathroom

he looks at the guys dick next to him and thought "Not even close"

he looks at the guys dick to the other side of him and chuckles

he looks way down at the end and theres a little person standing a couple of feet away from the urinal and was like "holy sh*t, that little guys dick is huge"!

he waits till the little guys done and approaches him and says
"I'm not gay or nothin, but you have a huge dick.

The little guy responds in an Irish accent "Well thank you me boy"!

The guy says "Holy sh*t, are you a leprechaun"?

The little guy says" Yes I am, and for noticing I'll give you 3 wishes"

"Anything I want" the guy says

"Anything you want me boy"

The guy says "I want to be rich beyond my wildest dreams"

"Done, and for your second wish?"

"I want a woman to just look at me and want me instantly"

"Done, and for your final wish lad"?

"I want to stay the same age and never die"

The leprechaun says" That's a tough one, the only way I can grant you that is if I f*ck you in the a$$" "How old are you me boy"?

35 this month, Are you serious?

"It's the only way me boy"

The guy ponders his decisions and thinks 'I'll never die, have any girl I want and rich beyond my widest dreams" and agrees to move forward.

The little guy gets behind the guy and starts going to town on this guys ass, the guy is screaming in pain as the leprechaun is destroying his a$$hole.

The little guy says to the guy "How old did you say you were me boy"?

The guy in total anal pain grunts out "35"

the little guy says

"AND YOU STILL BELIEVE IN F*CKING LEPRECHAUNS DO YA"?

[crossfire]

A Guy Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”

The Princess said, “NO!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, watched sports, played with street rods, went fishing and hunting, played golf, dated women half his age, drank beer and whiskey, had tons of money in the bank, and left the toilet seat up.

The End

[crossfire]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Bill, Tom and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bill and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bill and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bill and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bill and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.









So they buried Susie.

[southparkcpa]

How do you know when you were "providing her oral" the night before after a long drunken evening???















You wake up and your face is like a glazed donut.

[TokyoJetsFan]

What time is it if a Chinese guy has to go to the dentist???


2:30

[jetsnrangers]

Originally Posted by TokyoJetsFan

What time is it if a Chinese guy has to go to the dentist???


2:30

[TokyoJetsFan]

Originally Posted by jetsnrangers

2:30 .... Tooth Hurty...WTF? I have to explain everything to you?

[WestCoastOffensive]

Originally Posted by crossfire

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure... maybe she choked.'

The husband was skeptical, LMAO

[jetsnrangers]

Originally Posted by TokyoJetsFan

2:30 .... Tooth Hurty...WTF? I have to explain everything to you?

Explain the mullet.

[crossfire]

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment. The first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

[southparkcpa]

A man was granted one wish by a Jeannie in a bottle. The Jeannie said..."Whatever, I grant you you, I give your mother in law double".

The man thought hard and said...

"Please beat me half to death".

[Jetworks]

For several years, a man in New York City had been
having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,
he paid her a large sum of money if she would go
back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he
would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him
a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back
when the child was born.
He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later.' he said..
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

[Big L]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked one of her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"

[crossfire]

My wife Kathleen recently got together with some old friends Rachel and Clare. They hadn't seen each other since college. They rediscovered each other via Facebook and arranged to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrived first, wearing camel Versace. She ordered a bottle of chilled Chablis. Clare arrived shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of Chablis. Then my wife walked in, wearing a faded old jacket, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She too shared the wine.

Rachel explained that after leaving school and graduating from Princeton in Classics she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo.

Clare told them how after college, she went on to Harvard Med School and became a well respected gynecologist in Manhattan. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live on Long Island and have a second home in Florida.

Kathleen explained that right after she left school at 22 and ran off with her boyfriend... that being me.

She explained that we now run a tropical bird park on Long Island and grow our own vegetables. We don't really have a lot of money but we are happy. She also told them how I can can stand five parrots, side by side, on my willy.


After the third bottle of Chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurted out the her husband isn't Tim, he's Tom and he's a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small condo in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explained that she and Clive are nurses in Bellevue. They live in Jersey City and vacation at a motel in Orlando.

Seeing how everyone was being so honest, my wife admitted that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[Big L]

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more There is a hush within the congregation.

No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said...

'Screw him!'

[jetswin]

How did Chile extract the trapped miners?








Juan by Juan

[32green]

Originally Posted by jetswin

How did Chile extract the trapped miners?








Juan by Juan