Joke thread - Page 3 - Jets Insider.com Forums

jetswin · 10-15-2010, 02:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 32green

c'mon you chuckled at that

32green · 10-15-2010, 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jetswin

c'mon you chuckled at that

crossfire · 10-15-2010, 03:03 PM

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently ", she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

jetswin · 10-15-2010, 03:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crossfire

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently ", she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

MadCroatian · 10-15-2010, 03:21 PM

Why did the monkey fall from the tree?
It was dead.

Why did the 2nd monkey fall from the tree?
It was stapled to the 1st.

Where do melons go in the Summertime?
John Cougar MellonCamp.

What did the Apple say to the Priest?
Nothing. Apples cannot speak.

Celtic Bhoy · 10-15-2010, 03:23 PM

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241."

"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers, "144."

"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."

Albert responds, "How 'bout dem Cowboys?"

Celtic Bhoy · 10-15-2010, 03:24 PM

What does the average Patriots fan get on his SATs?

Drool.

Big L · 10-15-2010, 03:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 32green

JStokes · 10-15-2010, 03:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MadCroatian

Why did the monkey fall from the tree?
It was dead.

Why did the 2nd monkey fall from the tree?
It was stapled to the 1st.

Where do melons go in the Summertime?
John Cougar MellonCamp.

What did the Apple say to the Priest?
Nothing. Apples cannot speak.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still, no idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs from Alaska?

Still, no idea, by I'll ask her.

_

MOJets · 10-15-2010, 03:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by southparkcpa

Take a bow...I pee'd my pants!

Do people really wet themselves this often? I see this all the time on boards and I know I don't.

I liked the joke with the Guinness.

Beerfish · 10-15-2010, 04:47 PM

A Giraffe walks into a bar and says "The high balls are on me!"

Some Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says. "We don't serve breakfast here!"

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says. "We don't serve your kind here." The mushroom replies "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

How did the Pat fan break his arm raking leaves? "He fell out of the tree."

Why was the Pat fan in a tree? "He always wanted to be a branch manager."

A tied up scruffy piece of rope walks into a bar. The bartenders eyes narrow and he says. "Are you a dirty piece of rope?" The rope says "No, I'm afraid not."

fidelioion · 10-15-2010, 04:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by srobjets

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Not Revis.

Loved that joke

Big L · 09-28-2011, 04:36 PM

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Dirtstar · 09-28-2011, 04:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big L

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

frostlich · 09-28-2011, 06:29 PM

A horse (or John Kerry) strolls into a bar. Bartender asks "why the long face?"

A baby seal walks into a club...

WestCoastOffensive · 09-28-2011, 07:28 PM

A man who was diagnosed with cancer 6 months earlier returns to the doctor to review the results of all the work. Upon arriving, he notices a new energy to the doctor's office. Stepping up to the counter, he sees what has to be the hottest nurse of all time, hell, the hottest woman he's seen face to face. All of a sudden the door pops open, and the doc says "Jones! In my office! I have good news and bad news!" Glancing back at the vision of loveliness, he swears to himself that she was as beautiful and sexy and stacked as a porn star. He moves slowly away from her, begrudgingly stepping to the doctor's inner office...

Sitting in the leather chair, the doc motions to him impatiently. Quickly sitting down, the feeling of urgency and anxiety are more than he can bear. "Doc, you said: Good news, bad news..."

"That's right!"

"I-I-I I gotta hear the bad news, first!"

Solemly the doc closes the file, drops his head a bit and tells our hero that he has 6 months to live

"SIX MONTHS!!! OHHHHHH NOOOOOO...What the hell is the good news???"

The doc jumps to his feet and almost yells "I'm ****ing that nurse! YEAAH!"

Dirtstar · 09-28-2011, 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WestCoastOffensive

A man who was diagnosed with cancer 6 months earlier returns to the doctor to review the results of all the work. Upon arriving, he notices a new energy to the doctor's office. Stepping up to the counter, he sees what has to be the hottest nurse of all time, hell, the hottest woman he's seen face to face. All of a sudden the door pops open, and the doc says "Jones! In my office! I have good news and bad news!" Glancing back at the vision of loveliness, he swears to himself that she was as beautiful and sexy and stacked as a porn star. He moves slowly away from her, begrudgingly stepping to the doctor's inner office...

Sitting in the leather chair, the doc motions to him impatiently. Quickly sitting down, the feeling of urgency and anxiety are more than he can bear. "Doc, you said: Good news, bad news..."

"That's right!"

"I-I-I I gotta hear the bad news, first!"

Solemly the doc closes the file, drops his head a bit and tells our hero that he has 6 months to live

"SIX MONTHS!!! OHHHHHH NOOOOOO...What the hell is the good news???"

The doc jumps to his feet and almost yells "I'm ****ing that nurse! YEAAH!"

IVAN SNACHZKY APPROVES THIS JOKE, YES!?!??

WestCoastOffensive · 09-28-2011, 07:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dirtstar

IVAN SNACHZKY APPROVES THIS JOKE, YES!?!??

lol

IF YOU WANT TO PARTY ALL THE NIGHT: BRING A SNACJKEZKY!

dvl7 · 09-28-2011, 11:47 PM

Where does the general keep his army?

In his sleevy

FlagmanL11 · 09-29-2011, 12:26 AM

The Boston Dead Sux

10-15-2010, 03:03 PM	#43
crossfire Day by day, night after night... Blinded by the neon light Jets Insider VIP Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Long Island, NY Posts: 5,672	An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

10-15-2010, 03:21 PM	#45
MadCroatian Dollar goes in... Soda comes out.... ALIENS! Rookie Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 601	Why did the monkey fall from the tree? It was dead. Why did the 2nd monkey fall from the tree? It was stapled to the 1st. Where do melons go in the Summertime? John Cougar MellonCamp. What did the Apple say to the Priest? Nothing. Apples cannot speak.

10-15-2010, 03:23 PM	#46
Celtic Bhoy Veteran Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Ireland Posts: 131	Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241." "That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers, "144." "That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert responds, "How 'bout dem Cowboys?"

10-15-2010, 03:24 PM	#47
Celtic Bhoy Veteran Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: Ireland Posts: 131	What does the average Patriots fan get on his SATs? Drool.

10-15-2010, 04:47 PM	#51
Beerfish Hall Of Fame Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 19,067	A Giraffe walks into a bar and says "The high balls are on me!" Some Bacon and Eggs walk into a bar. The bartender says. "We don't serve breakfast here!" A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says. "We don't serve your kind here." The mushroom replies "Why not? I'm a fun guy!" How did the Pat fan break his arm raking leaves? "He fell out of the tree." Why was the Pat fan in a tree? "He always wanted to be a branch manager." A tied up scruffy piece of rope walks into a bar. The bartenders eyes narrow and he says. "Are you a dirty piece of rope?" The rope says "No, I'm afraid not."

09-28-2011, 04:36 PM	#53
Big L Plus six thousand posts Veteran Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: It's all relative Posts: 1,056	A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

09-28-2011, 06:29 PM	#55
frostlich Get it done Shidzik! All League Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 2,965	A horse (or John Kerry) strolls into a bar. Bartender asks "why the long face?" A baby seal walks into a club...

09-28-2011, 07:28 PM	#56
WestCoastOffensive Lying to the Smithsonian Board Moderator Jets Insider VIP Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: SF via Strong Island Posts: 26,640	A man who was diagnosed with cancer 6 months earlier returns to the doctor to review the results of all the work. Upon arriving, he notices a new energy to the doctor's office. Stepping up to the counter, he sees what has to be the hottest nurse of all time, hell, the hottest woman he's seen face to face. All of a sudden the door pops open, and the doc says "Jones! In my office! I have good news and bad news!" Glancing back at the vision of loveliness, he swears to himself that she was as beautiful and sexy and stacked as a porn star. He moves slowly away from her, begrudgingly stepping to the doctor's inner office... Sitting in the leather chair, the doc motions to him impatiently. Quickly sitting down, the feeling of urgency and anxiety are more than he can bear. "Doc, you said: Good news, bad news..." "That's right!" "I-I-I I gotta hear the bad news, first!" Solemly the doc closes the file, drops his head a bit and tells our hero that he has 6 months to live "SIX MONTHS!!! OHHHHHH NOOOOOO...What the hell is the good news???" The doc jumps to his feet and almost yells "I'm ****ing that nurse! YEAAH!"

09-28-2011, 11:47 PM	#59
dvl7 Practice Squad Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: NJ Posts: 367	Where does the general keep his army? In his sleevy

09-29-2011, 12:26 AM	#60
FlagmanL11 4 months until the first home tailgate!! Jets Insider VIP Join Date: Jan 2009 Location: North Jersey Posts: 3,064	The Boston Dead Sux