Joke thread - Page 4 - Jets Insider.com Forums

Big L · 09-29-2011, 09:21 AM

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.

The police say the offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.

A moment passes, and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fvcked my wife after only five beers.”

crossfire · 09-29-2011, 05:42 PM

The Irish Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

Big L · 09-30-2011, 09:07 AM

I got this text from my brother last week.

It read-

“Can I stay at your house for a while?

The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.

It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat.”

parkwayjet1 · 09-30-2011, 09:47 AM

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and notices at the far end of the bar a customer with an unusually small head. After several drinks the man works up the nerve to approach the small-headed customer and says" Excuse me, sir, but I HAVE to ask: what's with the small head?"

The odd-looking patron says "That's OK, I knew you would ask sooner or later. It happened one fine day while I was walking alone on a beach. I came upon this ornate bottle washed up on the shore. When I opened the bottle, a woman appeared, the most stunningly beautiful woman I'd ever seen. She told me that she was so grateful to me for allowing her to escape the bottle that she would grant me any 3 wishes I wanted. So I said 'screw the wishes -how 'bout a little head'"?

OCCH · 09-30-2011, 10:53 PM

A department store opened up downtown specifically for women looking for "the right man". A woman walks in the door, and immediately sees a big sign saying "ALL MEN ON THIS FLOOR ARE GUARANTEED TO BE HONEST, HARD WORKING MEN" -- followed by pictures of available men who have proven to meet this criteria posted all over the walls.

She is overwhelmed by all the options, but out of the corner of her eye she sees an escalator with a sign pointing up and saying "more options, floor two". Intrigued, she gets on the escalator, and when she gets to the top she sees a sign that says "ALL MEN ON THIS FLOOR ARE NOT ONLY HONEST AND HARD-WORKING, BUT ALSO GREAT WITH KIDS", followed by pictures everywhere she looked. Amazed at her good fortune, she pours over the various pics, but can't help but notice another escalator with a sign pointing up and saying "more options, floor three".

Thinking it must be too good to be true, she gets on the escalator. As she reaches the top she sees a sign saying "ALL MEN ON THIS FLOOR ARE HARD-WORKING, GOOD WITH KIDS, AND MAKE A GREAT SALARY". While there weren't quite as many pictures on this level, she is still pleasantly surprised by the many choices. However, as she peruses the various pics, she finds herself wondering if there's another escalator. Sure enough, she finds one, with a sign pointing up saying "more options, floor four". Finding herself getting giddy, she runs to the escalator and rides to the top. This time, there's a sign saying "ALL MEN ON THIS LEVEL ARE HARD-WORKING, GOOD WITH KIDS, RICH, AND IN TOUCH WITH THEIR FEMININE SIDE".

She barely sees the sign, however, as she races past the pics to get to the escalator she sees in the corner. In her haste, she didn't even realize there was no sign at the bottom of this escalator. However, there was one at the top. It read . . .

"THERE ARE NO MEN ON THIS LEVEL. IT SIMPLY SERVES TO PROVE THE POINT THAT NO MATTER HOW GOOD A MAN IS, IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH TO PLEASE A WOMAN."

A month later, another store is opened that only caters to men. A sign right inside the entrance says "ALL WOMEN ON THIS LEVEL ARE GREAT COOKS WITH AMAZING BODIES".

The store was an instant success, as it doesn't cost much to rent out a one-story building . . .

Big L · 10-03-2011, 12:16 PM

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV'T AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

RANCHER: "Well, there's my hired hand that’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV'T AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to . . . the mentally challenged one."

RANCHER: "That would be me."

Big L · 10-04-2011, 12:40 PM

A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of reproduction bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: “See! That was more than 5 times a month!”

The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”

Again the wife bugs her husband: “Hey, that’s some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!”

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison… The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!”

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!”

The husband is pretty irritated by now, and yells back: “Sure, once a day. But ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow."

crossfire · 10-04-2011, 01:16 PM

excellent!

Big L · 10-10-2011, 01:00 PM

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and crap every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until seven."

Big L · 10-10-2011, 01:00 PM

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.

She's 21 and her name's Jill.

Conkboy · 10-10-2011, 01:12 PM

A man is at a bar drinking after work. He gets totally drunk and throws up on himself.

He is very upset that he has to go home and his wife will know he was out drinking.

The guy next to him says not to worry. Put 20 bucks in your shirt pocket and tell your wife the guy next to you threw up all over you and gave you 20 bucks to pay for the cleaning.

The guy gets home and his wife asks what happened? He tells her that a guy threw up on him and gave him 20 bucks to pay for the cleaning. She takes the money out of his pocket and tells him that there is 70 bucks here, what is the other 50 for?

He says - He **** my pants too!!!!

lamont_jordan_rules · 10-12-2011, 01:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Conkboy

A man is at a bar drinking after work....

...

...

l_j_r

AnthonySerp · 10-12-2011, 09:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Conkboy

A man is at a bar drinking after work. He gets totally drunk and throws up on himself.

He is very upset that he has to go home and his wife will know he was out drinking.

The guy next to him says not to worry. Put 20 bucks in your shirt pocket and tell your wife the guy next to you threw up all over you and gave you 20 bucks to pay for the cleaning.

The guy gets home and his wife asks what happened? He tells her that a guy threw up on him and gave him 20 bucks to pay for the cleaning. She takes the money out of his pocket and tells him that there is 70 bucks here, what is the other 50 for?

He says - He **** my pants too!!!!

Gilbert gottfried does this joke in his bit.......hysterical

RageATL · 10-12-2011, 09:58 PM

Little boy kills a butterfly, Dad says no butter for 2 weeks. Boy kills a honeybee, Dad says no honey for 2 weeks. Mom kills a cockroach, boy turns to dad and says are you gonna tell her or should I?

Phoenixx · 10-12-2011, 10:14 PM

STRESS . . . it's a killer!

This is what First Couples looked like coming into the White House . . .

and what they looked like going out!

And soon...

Big L · 10-13-2011, 08:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phoenixx

STRESS . . . it's a killer!

This is what First Couples looked like coming into the White House . . .

and what they looked like going out!

And soon...

Big L · 10-14-2011, 03:16 PM

On Bud's Forums the question came up: what is the smallest caliber you trust
to protect yourself...

My personal favorite bear defence gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in .22 short!
I've found over the years when hiking in bear country I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course we all know the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System".
For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a
friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is someone to go get help.
I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Ontario . Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she MAD! We must have been near one of her cubs. Any way if I had not had my little jetfire I'd sure not be here today. That's right, one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace. That's one of the best pistols in my safe!

Big L · 10-14-2011, 03:18 PM

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.

Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.

It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

Big L · 10-14-2011, 03:21 PM

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... Although, they do make me look a bit gay.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.

I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.

Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

Big L · 10-17-2011, 11:07 AM

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed
in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Illinois School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene
on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from the Ohio and just graduated from Ohio State with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

09-29-2011, 09:21 AM	#61
Big L Plus six thousand posts Veteran Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: It's all relative Posts: 1,053	A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The police say the offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment passes, and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fvcked my wife after only five beers.”

09-29-2011, 05:42 PM	#62
crossfire Day by day, night after night... Blinded by the neon light Jets Insider VIP Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Long Island, NY Posts: 5,668	The Irish Funeral A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line."

09-30-2011, 09:07 AM	#63
Big L Plus six thousand posts Veteran Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: It's all relative Posts: 1,053	I got this text from my brother last week. It read- “Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat.”

09-30-2011, 09:47 AM	#64
parkwayjet1 Hall Of Fame Charter JI Member Join Date: May 1999 Location: Valley Stream, N.Y. Posts: 2,889	A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and notices at the far end of the bar a customer with an unusually small head. After several drinks the man works up the nerve to approach the small-headed customer and says" Excuse me, sir, but I HAVE to ask: what's with the small head?" The odd-looking patron says "That's OK, I knew you would ask sooner or later. It happened one fine day while I was walking alone on a beach. I came upon this ornate bottle washed up on the shore. When I opened the bottle, a woman appeared, the most stunningly beautiful woman I'd ever seen. She told me that she was so grateful to me for allowing her to escape the bottle that she would grant me any 3 wishes I wanted. So I said 'screw the wishes -how 'bout a little head'"?

09-30-2011, 10:53 PM	#65
OCCH glad I have more purpose in life than Jets football . . . Jets Insider VIP Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 3,412	A department store opened up downtown specifically for women looking for "the right man". A woman walks in the door, and immediately sees a big sign saying "ALL MEN ON THIS FLOOR ARE GUARANTEED TO BE HONEST, HARD WORKING MEN" -- followed by pictures of available men who have proven to meet this criteria posted all over the walls. She is overwhelmed by all the options, but out of the corner of her eye she sees an escalator with a sign pointing up and saying "more options, floor two". Intrigued, she gets on the escalator, and when she gets to the top she sees a sign that says "ALL MEN ON THIS FLOOR ARE NOT ONLY HONEST AND HARD-WORKING, BUT ALSO GREAT WITH KIDS", followed by pictures everywhere she looked. Amazed at her good fortune, she pours over the various pics, but can't help but notice another escalator with a sign pointing up and saying "more options, floor three". Thinking it must be too good to be true, she gets on the escalator. As she reaches the top she sees a sign saying "ALL MEN ON THIS FLOOR ARE HARD-WORKING, GOOD WITH KIDS, AND MAKE A GREAT SALARY". While there weren't quite as many pictures on this level, she is still pleasantly surprised by the many choices. However, as she peruses the various pics, she finds herself wondering if there's another escalator. Sure enough, she finds one, with a sign pointing up saying "more options, floor four". Finding herself getting giddy, she runs to the escalator and rides to the top. This time, there's a sign saying "ALL MEN ON THIS LEVEL ARE HARD-WORKING, GOOD WITH KIDS, RICH, AND IN TOUCH WITH THEIR FEMININE SIDE". She barely sees the sign, however, as she races past the pics to get to the escalator she sees in the corner. In her haste, she didn't even realize there was no sign at the bottom of this escalator. However, there was one at the top. It read . . . "THERE ARE NO MEN ON THIS LEVEL. IT SIMPLY SERVES TO PROVE THE POINT THAT NO MATTER HOW GOOD A MAN IS, IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH TO PLEASE A WOMAN." A month later, another store is opened that only caters to men. A sign right inside the entrance says "ALL WOMEN ON THIS LEVEL ARE GREAT COOKS WITH AMAZING BODIES". The store was an instant success, as it doesn't cost much to rent out a one-story building . . .

10-03-2011, 12:16 PM	#66
Big L Plus six thousand posts Veteran Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: It's all relative Posts: 1,053	The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him. GOV'T AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them." RANCHER: "Well, there's my hired hand that’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.” GOV'T AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to . . . the mentally challenged one." RANCHER: "That would be me."

10-04-2011, 12:40 PM	#67
Big L Plus six thousand posts Veteran Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: It's all relative Posts: 1,053	A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of reproduction bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.” The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: “See! That was more than 5 times a month!” The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.” Again the wife bugs her husband: “Hey, that’s some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!” Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison… The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!” The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!” The husband is pretty irritated by now, and yells back: “Sure, once a day. But ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow."

10-04-2011, 01:16 PM	#68
crossfire Day by day, night after night... Blinded by the neon light Jets Insider VIP Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Long Island, NY Posts: 5,668	excellent!

10-10-2011, 01:00 PM	#69
Big L Plus six thousand posts Veteran Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: It's all relative Posts: 1,053	Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway. "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens." "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens." "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am." Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and crap every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until seven."

10-10-2011, 01:12 PM	#71
Conkboy "All Conked Up" All League Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 2,525	A man is at a bar drinking after work. He gets totally drunk and throws up on himself. He is very upset that he has to go home and his wife will know he was out drinking. The guy next to him says not to worry. Put 20 bucks in your shirt pocket and tell your wife the guy next to you threw up all over you and gave you 20 bucks to pay for the cleaning. The guy gets home and his wife asks what happened? He tells her that a guy threw up on him and gave him 20 bucks to pay for the cleaning. She takes the money out of his pocket and tells him that there is 70 bucks here, what is the other 50 for? He says - He **** my pants too!!!!

10-12-2011, 09:58 PM	#74
RageATL is a habitual line-stepper. All Pro Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 7,230	Little boy kills a butterfly, Dad says no butter for 2 weeks. Boy kills a honeybee, Dad says no honey for 2 weeks. Mom kills a cockroach, boy turns to dad and says are you gonna tell her or should I?

10-12-2011, 10:14 PM	#75
Phoenixx Hall Of Fame Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Fairfield County, CT Posts: 6,870	STRESS . . . it's a killer! This is what First Couples looked like coming into the White House . . . and what they looked like going out! And soon...

10-14-2011, 03:16 PM	#77
Big L Plus six thousand posts Veteran Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: It's all relative Posts: 1,053	On Bud's Forums the question came up: what is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself... My personal favorite bear defence gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in .22 short! I've found over the years when hiking in bear country I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course we all know the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is someone to go get help. I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Ontario . Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she MAD! We must have been near one of her cubs. Any way if I had not had my little jetfire I'd sure not be here today. That's right, one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace. That's one of the best pistols in my safe!

10-14-2011, 03:18 PM	#78
Big L Plus six thousand posts Veteran Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: It's all relative Posts: 1,053	Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

10-14-2011, 03:21 PM	#79
Big L Plus six thousand posts Veteran Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: It's all relative Posts: 1,053	The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... Although, they do make me look a bit gay. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether." Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend... Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

10-17-2011, 11:07 AM	#80
Big L Plus six thousand posts Veteran Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: It's all relative Posts: 1,053	Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Illinois School of Law, and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says: "Well, I'm from the Ohio and just graduated from Ohio State with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."