Epic Thread from another forum

Buzzsaw · 12-16-2009, 08:40 PM

Worst possible "date" ever...I don't even... FML (serios)
Alright...I don't care if you guys believe me ... it's real. This is the the most embarassing thing that I've ever experienced... it was a horrible night for me.. and I'm sharing it with you guys because I don't want any of my misc brahs to have to go through this.. especially since it all could have been EASILY prevented. I have added MS paint images so that you have a better idea as to what happened. It's very long, but I'll do my best to recount all of the important details. no ****ing cliffs..... read it to save yourself from something like this...

Anyway...
If you've been following my social anxiety thread you would have learned that I got an asian girls number during my last update (the encounter wasn't recorded unfortunetely because my Camera froze). But anyway, it's been over a week and I was feeling like taking a break from exam studying, and I figured that if I didn't call her before exams were done then I wouldn't get a chance to see her until after the break (which would be too long perhaps). So I called her up and asked her if she wanted to take a break from studying and meet me for coffee. Well she said yes, and we met at a campus cafe. We had some small talk, and it went well overall. After that she said "hey my roomate is making some chinese food for dinner because her boyfriend is over, would you like to come by and try some? she usually makes way more than needed". Now at that point I felt like I had to take a sh!t, but there was no way I could turn down this opportunity; it seemed like she was into me and this would be a great opportunity to get to know each other further. So I decided to try and hold my crap as long as possible (I don't crap in public toilets) and accept her invitation.

Well we went back to her place, had some food (very good btw)... and ****... I had to take take a sh!t really badly... and I also had to take a piss really badly (I had been holding that too since I didn't bring my pee bottles with me to the date)... I really didn't want to use her washroom because I didn't want stink the place up... but it became so unbearable to the point where I could feel the turd popping out of my rectum.. to make matters worse I was actually starting to get an erection (I'm not sure why.. but that's what happened). So I rushed to the washroom... and thus begins the worst possible scenario imagineable.

I pull down my pants step up to the toilet and I am then faced with an ominous predicament; I have to extremely badly take BOTH a pee AND a POO.... AND I have an erection.... what the **** do I do? Which do I do first??

[IMG]http://i586.photobucket.com/albums/ss302/Malodrax/fuuu1.jpg[/IMG]

So I bend over and try to push my erected penis down a bit to pee into the can... but as I relax my pelvic floor muscles to release the urine.. I feel my turd start to come out at the same time!

[IMG]http://i586.photobucket.com/albums/ss302/Malodrax/fuuuu2.jpg[/IMG]

So then I'm like "fuk this... I'll just try and hold the pee and let the poo come out"... so I sit on the can... grasp my penis hard to try and "block" it... and I then tried to let the crap come out....that didn't work so well...

As I relaxed my anal sphincters... my pelvic floor muscles relaxed as well and piss started flying all over the floor... I started panicking at this point... so I desperately held my crap again, while I attempted to shove/bend my erect penis into the toilet. Once it was in... I tried take the piss and crap at the same time, but my ass was too far out and this massive turd started flying out missing the bowl, landing partially on the back rim and partially on the floor.

[IMG]http://i586.photobucket.com/albums/ss302/Malodrax/fuuuuuu.jpg[/IMG]

[IMG]http://i586.photobucket.com/albums/ss302/Malodrax/fuuuu3.jpg[/IMG]

I then closed everything off again (you can't imagine the pain of repeatedly blocking yourself from peeing and pooing when you have go so badly)... wtf was I supposed to do? I either pee on her floor or poo on her floor....then out of sheer desperation and instinct an idea popped into my head:

[IMG]http://i586.photobucket.com/albums/ss302/Malodrax/fuuuu4.jpg[/IMG]

[IMG]http://i586.photobucket.com/albums/ss302/Malodrax/fuuu5.jpg[/IMG]

Buzzsaw · 12-16-2009, 08:42 PM

continued:

I ran into her bathtub and let myself go there... I figured that at least this way I could rinse it all down instead of getting sh!t on her floor....

[IMG]http://i586.photobucket.com/albums/ss302/Malodrax/fuuu6.jpg[/IMG]

At that point things get even worse...

[IMG]http://i586.photobucket.com/albums/ss302/Malodrax/fuuu7.jpg[/IMG]

The turd wouldn't ****ing dissolve... and the damn bish was asking me wtf I'm doing showering in her washroom....

I then answer "yea lol... I'm showering... is that ok?"...

she says: what the hell? why?? you don't think we're having sex do you???

At this point I can't even think straight and I jokingly (retardedly) say: yes we are lol

she then gets mad and says: wtf? is this some kind of joke... get out of there!!

I say: no please don't come in... I'm not done yet...

At this point the hot water I was using to try and dissolve my sh!t was releasing sh!t smelling vapours all over the room.. and it was pretty rancid... the girl could smell it and she said: "why the hell does it smell so ****ing bad? What the hell are you doing in there???"

I say: please don't come in... trust me.. you'll regret it...

she says: **** this... get out now or I'm unlocking the door..

I beg her not too... but she loses her patience and then opens the door. She stops dead in her tracks. There before her was me standing with a pseudo-erect penis, left over fecal residue on my ass,large semi dissolved turds in her bathtub, turds on the floor beside her toilet, and pee all over the floor in front of the can... I was so ****ing embarassed... I started shivering... she looks at me while covering her mouth and nose and whispers... "wtf did you do???"...she was starting to cry... I hesitate for a bit and I try to explain myself "I tried my best ... I... I'm sorry"... She then flips out and tells me to clean up the mess or she's calling the cops. I agree to do it.

She leaves, and I grap some toilet paper... pick up the turds from the floor and bathtub, toss them in the can, and then I proceed to clean off the floor and bathtub with soap, water and alot of tissues. I tossed most of the tissues into her toilet bowl (the garbage was full eventually). I then took some perfume from the counter and tossed into the bathtub to get rid of odour. After I was done I cleaned my ass off and flushed the toilet. To my utmost dismay, my massive fecal matter bulk and the large amount of TP unded up clogging the toilet and it overflowed and started spilling crap all over the floor... I'm literally crying at that point... I look for the plunger but I couldn't find it so I put my pants on and rushed out to ask her if she had a plunger so I could fix the toilet...I see her with her roommate and her roommates bf... she's crying... as soon as she sees me she tells me to gtfo right now... I try to explain that the toilet is clogged... but she doesn't let me ... she says she feels threatened and she wants me out now... she graps a knife from the drawer and tells me to leave... I leave.

about a minute later I hear this loud scream coming from her dorm room (I assumed she went back to the washroom to see it covered in poo water). At that point I sprinted away as fast as possible, while swearing at myself and crying tears of frustration and embarrasment.

All of this could have ****ing been prevented if I had just brought my goddamn pee bottles!!! WTF?!?! The FIRST girl that shows interest in me.. I have to go and **** in her bathtub???? This is ****ing retarded (yes mad).

to all you people saying "peeing in bottles is stupid/gross"... well **** that... not only is it more convenient and cleaner, but it also prevents epic disaters like this one....

This is what WOULD have happened if I had my trustee pee bottle... I would have on sat on the can and then simultaneosly peed into the bottle and pooed into the toilet. No disaster... no mess.... and none of this would have happened.

anyway... should I let things cool off for a bit and call her back? maybe to apologize/explain myself? or should i just hope I never run into her again?

[url]http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=120921191&CJAID=10409403&CJPID=3727850[/url]

Apache 51 · 12-16-2009, 08:48 PM

WTF

SuidAkrA · 12-16-2009, 08:48 PM

Good old Malodrax and his pee bottles. Kid is a riot. You should look at his other threads about trying to pick up girls. Comedy Gold.

Ruby2 · 12-16-2009, 08:49 PM

LOL.

Its going to be hard to resist checking back in on this at work tomorrow.

Guy has some serious issues.

AnthonySerp · 12-16-2009, 08:55 PM

LMAO....that was great

thanks Buzz

acepepe · 12-16-2009, 09:01 PM

ban yourself

njherdfan · 12-16-2009, 09:03 PM

does he explain why he uses pee bottles?

32green · 12-16-2009, 09:14 PM

[QUOTE=Buzzsaw;3406318]

As I relaxed my anal sphincters... [/QUOTE]

I would talk to a Dr. about multiple sphincters.

This axpalins this whole scenario.

_

JetsFan2012 · 12-16-2009, 09:16 PM

Pee bottles?

2milehighJet · 12-16-2009, 09:29 PM

Can't use public restrooms? Pee bottles? I'd say "Shart" is part of his and his dry cleaners everyday vocabulary.

ListerFiend · 12-16-2009, 10:07 PM

"for those following my social anxiety thread"

lol.

SUJets1988 · 12-17-2009, 12:22 AM

LOL, Jesus Christ...

jetstream23 · 12-17-2009, 12:41 AM

[QUOTE=pauliec;3406352]Pee bottles?[/QUOTE]

How are things......in the office urinal these days? :erm:

JetsFan2012 · 12-17-2009, 12:45 AM

[QUOTE=ListerFiend;3406388]"for those following my social anxiety thread"

lol.[/QUOTE]

This guy's got all the charm of Jetfan16 with the social awareness of jetsrule.

jetswinbaby! · 12-17-2009, 12:46 AM

[QUOTE=pauliec;3406352]Pee bottles?[/QUOTE]

Yes...
Another episode coming soon: "How I saved myself by drinking my own piss while stranded in the desert!"

greenwichjetfan · 12-17-2009, 01:12 AM

HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAA THAT ENTIRE PIECE WAS HILARIOUSSSSSS!!! oh my god I dont think I have ever laughed so hard at the written word!!!

jetsnrangers · 12-17-2009, 01:16 AM

Where planet he is from?????
This guy is for real?
pee bottle?
issues

ListerFiend · 12-17-2009, 01:39 AM

one of my best friends had an episode like this, but on exactly on the same level

little background. This is the guy in our group that gets 100% smashed every time we go out i mean strait blackout. He has been maced before, so bad be bled from the eyes, because he couldn't stand after coming off the dance floor and fell onto a girl who thought she was being attacked. Kid didn't even remember being maced.

this night was no different for him, except he remembered.

after a night at the bars, my friend wen back to this girls apartment. He was really excited because he had been trying to get with her for like two weeks.

So they are there on her bed and things started to heat up. she lies on her back, n he goes to get on top of her, when poof.

they both heard it. he felt it.

instantly with no other option, he calmly stated "i pooped my pants"

then grabbed his phone, wallet, and coat, then proceeded to walk across campus to his room squishin n squashin the whole way.

i have sent a link to the original threat to everyone of my friends.

jetswin · 12-17-2009, 07:57 AM

[IMG]http://memphismemories.org/Topics/Radio_TV/1960s_Network_TV/Linkletter.jpg[/IMG]

Kids do the darndest things...

wtf is a pee bottle?

12-16-2009, 08:40 PM	#1
Buzzsaw Jets Insider VIP Board Moderator Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 26,295	Epic Thread from another forum Worst possible "date" ever...I don't even... FML (serios) Alright...I don't care if you guys believe me ... it's real. This is the the most embarassing thing that I've ever experienced... it was a horrible night for me.. and I'm sharing it with you guys because I don't want any of my misc brahs to have to go through this.. especially since it all could have been EASILY prevented. I have added MS paint images so that you have a better idea as to what happened. It's very long, but I'll do my best to recount all of the important details. no **ing cliffs..... read it to save yourself from something like this... Anyway... If you've been following my social anxiety thread you would have learned that I got an asian girls number during my last update (the encounter wasn't recorded unfortunetely because my Camera froze). But anyway, it's been over a week and I was feeling like taking a break from exam studying, and I figured that if I didn't call her before exams were done then I wouldn't get a chance to see her until after the break (which would be too long perhaps). So I called her up and asked her if she wanted to take a break from studying and meet me for coffee. Well she said yes, and we met at a campus cafe. We had some small talk, and it went well overall. After that she said "hey my roomate is making some chinese food for dinner because her boyfriend is over, would you like to come by and try some? she usually makes way more than needed". Now at that point I felt like I had to take a sh!t, but there was no way I could turn down this opportunity; it seemed like she was into me and this would be a great opportunity to get to know each other further. So I decided to try and hold my crap as long as possible (I don't crap in public toilets) and accept her invitation. Well we went back to her place, had some food (very good btw)... and ... I had to take take a sh!t really badly... and I also had to take a piss really badly (I had been holding that too since I didn't bring my pee bottles with me to the date)... I really didn't want to use her washroom because I didn't want stink the place up... but it became so unbearable to the point where I could feel the turd popping out of my rectum.. to make matters worse I was actually starting to get an erection (I'm not sure why.. but that's what happened). So I rushed to the washroom... and thus begins the worst possible scenario imagineable. I pull down my pants step up to the toilet and I am then faced with an ominous predicament; I have to extremely badly take BOTH a pee AND a POO.... AND I have an erection.... what the ** do I do? Which do I do first?? [IMG]http://i586.photobucket.com/albums/ss302/Malodrax/fuuu1.jpg[/IMG] So I bend over and try to push my erected penis down a bit to pee into the can... but as I relax my pelvic floor muscles to release the urine.. I feel my turd start to come out at the same time! [IMG]http://i586.photobucket.com/albums/ss302/Malodrax/fuuuu2.jpg[/IMG] So then I'm like "fuk this... I'll just try and hold the pee and let the poo come out"... so I sit on the can... grasp my penis hard to try and "block" it... and I then tried to let the crap come out....that didn't work so well... As I relaxed my anal sphincters... my pelvic floor muscles relaxed as well and piss started flying all over the floor... I started panicking at this point... so I desperately held my crap again, while I attempted to shove/bend my erect penis into the toilet. Once it was in... I tried take the piss and crap at the same time, but my ass was too far out and this massive turd started flying out missing the bowl, landing partially on the back rim and partially on the floor. [IMG]http://i586.photobucket.com/albums/ss302/Malodrax/fuuuuuu.jpg[/IMG] [IMG]http://i586.photobucket.com/albums/ss302/Malodrax/fuuuu3.jpg[/IMG] I then closed everything off again (you can't imagine the pain of repeatedly blocking yourself from peeing and pooing when you have go so badly)... wtf was I supposed to do? I either pee on her floor or poo on her floor....then out of sheer desperation and instinct an idea popped into my head: [IMG]http://i586.photobucket.com/albums/ss302/Malodrax/fuuuu4.jpg[/IMG] [IMG]http://i586.photobucket.com/albums/ss302/Malodrax/fuuu5.jpg[/IMG]

12-16-2009, 08:42 PM	#2
Buzzsaw Jets Insider VIP Board Moderator Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 26,295	continued: I ran into her bathtub and let myself go there... I figured that at least this way I could rinse it all down instead of getting sh!t on her floor.... [IMG]http://i586.photobucket.com/albums/ss302/Malodrax/fuuu6.jpg[/IMG] At that point things get even worse... [IMG]http://i586.photobucket.com/albums/ss302/Malodrax/fuuu7.jpg[/IMG] The turd wouldn't **ing dissolve... and the damn bish was asking me wtf I'm doing showering in her washroom.... I then answer "yea lol... I'm showering... is that ok?"... she says: what the hell? why?? you don't think we're having sex do you??? At this point I can't even think straight and I jokingly (retardedly) say: yes we are lol she then gets mad and says: wtf? is this some kind of joke... get out of there!! I say: no please don't come in... I'm not done yet... At this point the hot water I was using to try and dissolve my sh!t was releasing sh!t smelling vapours all over the room.. and it was pretty rancid... the girl could smell it and she said: "why the hell does it smell so ing bad? What the hell are you doing in there???" I say: please don't come in... trust me.. you'll regret it... she says: this... get out now or I'm unlocking the door.. I beg her not too... but she loses her patience and then opens the door. She stops dead in her tracks. There before her was me standing with a pseudo-erect penis, left over fecal residue on my ass,large semi dissolved turds in her bathtub, turds on the floor beside her toilet, and pee all over the floor in front of the can... I was so ing embarassed... I started shivering... she looks at me while covering her mouth and nose and whispers... "wtf did you do???"...she was starting to cry... I hesitate for a bit and I try to explain myself "I tried my best ... I... I'm sorry"... She then flips out and tells me to clean up the mess or she's calling the cops. I agree to do it. She leaves, and I grap some toilet paper... pick up the turds from the floor and bathtub, toss them in the can, and then I proceed to clean off the floor and bathtub with soap, water and alot of tissues. I tossed most of the tissues into her toilet bowl (the garbage was full eventually). I then took some perfume from the counter and tossed into the bathtub to get rid of odour. After I was done I cleaned my ass off and flushed the toilet. To my utmost dismay, my massive fecal matter bulk and the large amount of TP unded up clogging the toilet and it overflowed and started spilling crap all over the floor... I'm literally crying at that point... I look for the plunger but I couldn't find it so I put my pants on and rushed out to ask her if she had a plunger so I could fix the toilet...I see her with her roommate and her roommates bf... she's crying... as soon as she sees me she tells me to gtfo right now... I try to explain that the toilet is clogged... but she doesn't let me ... she says she feels threatened and she wants me out now... she graps a knife from the drawer and tells me to leave... I leave. about a minute later I hear this loud scream coming from her dorm room (I assumed she went back to the washroom to see it covered in poo water). At that point I sprinted away as fast as possible, while swearing at myself and crying tears of frustration and embarrasment. All of this could have ing been prevented if I had just brought my goddamn pee bottles!!! WTF?!?! The FIRST girl that shows interest in me.. I have to go and in her bathtub???? This is ing retarded (yes mad). to all you people saying "peeing in bottles is stupid/gross"... well ** that... not only is it more convenient and cleaner, but it also prevents epic disaters like this one.... This is what WOULD have happened if I had my trustee pee bottle... I would have on sat on the can and then simultaneosly peed into the bottle and pooed into the toilet. No disaster... no mess.... and none of this would have happened. anyway... should I let things cool off for a bit and call her back? maybe to apologize/explain myself? or should i just hope I never run into her again? [url]http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=120921191&CJAID=10409403&CJPID=3727850[/url]

12-16-2009, 08:48 PM	#3
Apache 51 Let's Kill them all......... Hall Of Fame Join Date: May 2009 Location: In Morris Co.,N.J.,at the right end of a Browning 12 gauge Posts: 12,612	WTF

12-16-2009, 08:48 PM	#4
SuidAkrA Winter Is Coming. Veteran Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 176	Good old Malodrax and his pee bottles. Kid is a riot. You should look at his other threads about trying to pick up girls. Comedy Gold.

12-16-2009, 08:49 PM	#5
Ruby2 Patron and Grapefruit Juice Bitchess!!! Hall Of Fame Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Jerseystrong Posts: 17,012	LOL. Its going to be hard to resist checking back in on this at work tomorrow. Guy has some serious issues.

12-16-2009, 08:55 PM	#6
AnthonySerp All Pro Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Shaolin Posts: 6,455	LMAO....that was great thanks Buzz

12-16-2009, 09:01 PM	#7
acepepe All League Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 3,427	ban yourself

12-16-2009, 09:03 PM	#8
njherdfan Veteran Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Clark University, by way of West Orange, NJ Posts: 1,735	does he explain why he uses pee bottles?

12-16-2009, 09:14 PM	#9
32green The original road-kill pus slurper. MMMmmm pus. Board Moderator Jets Insider VIP JetsInsider.com Legend Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: The depths of Despair. Posts: 37,672	[QUOTE=Buzzsaw;3406318] As I relaxed my anal sphincters... [/QUOTE] I would talk to a Dr. about multiple sphincters. This axpalins this whole scenario. _

12-16-2009, 09:16 PM	#10
JetsFan2012 Waterboy Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 0	Pee bottles?

12-16-2009, 09:29 PM	#11
2milehighJet Needs to sharpen his edges All League Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Breckenridge, CO Posts: 3,138	Can't use public restrooms? Pee bottles? I'd say "Shart" is part of his and his dry cleaners everyday vocabulary.

12-16-2009, 10:07 PM	#12
ListerFiend keeping my head in the books. Veteran Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 2,213	"for those following my social anxiety thread" lol.

12-17-2009, 12:22 AM	#13
SUJets1988 Hall Of Fame Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: NYC Posts: 5,842	LOL, Jesus Christ...

12-17-2009, 12:41 AM	#14
jetstream23 recovering from turf toe Jets Insider VIP Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Phoenix, AZ (New Jets Stadium Section 246) Posts: 31,551	[QUOTE=pauliec;3406352]Pee bottles?[/QUOTE] How are things......in the office urinal these days? :erm:

12-17-2009, 12:45 AM	#15
JetsFan2012 Waterboy Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 0	[QUOTE=ListerFiend;3406388]"for those following my social anxiety thread" lol.[/QUOTE] This guy's got all the charm of Jetfan16 with the social awareness of jetsrule.

12-17-2009, 12:46 AM	#16
jetswinbaby! ...or not! Veteran Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 2,372	[QUOTE=pauliec;3406352]Pee bottles?[/QUOTE] Yes... Another episode coming soon: "How I saved myself by drinking my own piss while stranded in the desert!"

12-17-2009, 01:12 AM	#17
greenwichjetfan All League Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 4,064	HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAA THAT ENTIRE PIECE WAS HILARIOUSSSSSS!!! oh my god I dont think I have ever laughed so hard at the written word!!!

12-17-2009, 01:16 AM	#18
jetsnrangers is www.sdjetsfans.com Veteran Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: San Diego Posts: 1,574	Where planet he is from????? This guy is for real? pee bottle? issues

12-17-2009, 01:39 AM	#19
ListerFiend keeping my head in the books. Veteran Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 2,213	one of my best friends had an episode like this, but on exactly on the same level little background. This is the guy in our group that gets 100% smashed every time we go out i mean strait blackout. He has been maced before, so bad be bled from the eyes, because he couldn't stand after coming off the dance floor and fell onto a girl who thought she was being attacked. Kid didn't even remember being maced. this night was no different for him, except he remembered. after a night at the bars, my friend wen back to this girls apartment. He was really excited because he had been trying to get with her for like two weeks. So they are there on her bed and things started to heat up. she lies on her back, n he goes to get on top of her, when poof. they both heard it. he felt it. instantly with no other option, he calmly stated "i pooped my pants" then grabbed his phone, wallet, and coat, then proceeded to walk across campus to his room squishin n squashin the whole way. i have sent a link to the original threat to everyone of my friends.

12-17-2009, 07:57 AM	#20
jetswin stumblin mumblin butt fumblin Board Moderator Jets Insider VIP JetsInsider.com Legend Charter JI Member Join Date: May 1999 Location: Westchester Co. Posts: 35,458	[IMG]http://memphismemories.org/Topics/Radio_TV/1960s_Network_TV/Linkletter.jpg[/IMG] Kids do the darndest things... wtf is a pee bottle?