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Thread: Lastings List

  1. #1
    All League
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    North Jersey

    Lastings List


    1. Lastings Milledge isn't a 5 tool player. Lastings Milledge has more than 100 tools, many of which are unknown to most baseball scouts.
    2. Lastings Milledge wasn’t slapping fives with fans after his first big league homerun. He was healing lepers and cripples.
    3. Keith Hernandez thinks a girl’s place is in the dugout as long as they're on the arm of Lastings Milledge.
    4. Lastings Milledge doesn’t hit 8th. Those seven other guys are just warming up the pitcher for the first real at bat of the game.
    5. Shea Stadium is no longer known as a pitcher’s park now that Lastings Milledge hits there.
    6. Lastings Milledge can fix Victor Zambrano in ten minutes.
    7. Lastings Milledge has taught Willie Randolph how to execute a double switch.
    8. Johnny Damon wishes he can have Lastings Milledge’s hair.
    9. When Steve Trachsel deliberates on the mound, he’s thinking of all the ways Lastings Milledge will help the Mets win.
    10. Light has to kick it into high gear just to try and keep up with Lastings Milledge’s bat speed.
    11. Lastings Milledge’s three children will be named Turner, Citizen’s Bank and 'Chipperer'.
    12. Lastings Milledge also has an illegitimate child. He was born in 1895 and his name is Babe Ruth.
    13. Billy Wagner likes to warm up just to watch Lastings Milledge play right field.
    14. Alex Ochoa and Alex Escobar carry pictures of Lastings Milledge in their wallet to remind them of the players they should have become.
    15. Confucius quotes Lastings Milledge.
    16. Lastings Milledge is your American Idol.
    17. The cross around Lasting Milledge's neck is the secret to the Da Vinci Code.
    18. SNY has changed its call letters to LMNY.
    19. A-Rod no longer has a crush on Derek Jeter. He is now obsessed with LastingsMilledge.
    20. Lastings Milledge knocked Armando Benitez back to 2001.
    21. Lastings Milledge can play all three outfield positions at the same time.
    22. Lastings Milledge only took #44 because he's waiting for jersey #666.
    23. The word "swagger" has been redefined by Webster's to mean Lastings Milledge.
    24. Lastings Milledge is not the next Willie Mays. Willie Mays is just a precursor to Lastings Milledge.
    25. Jason Grimsley admitted to using steroids and turned himself over to the FBI after he saw Lastings Milledge was coming to town in June.
    26. MLB makes Lastings Milledge use a foam bat.
    27. Lastings Milledge beat Jose Reyes in a race running backwards.
    28. Fred Wilpon has renamed his son Lastings.
    29. Lastings Milledge can tell the difference between diet and regular Dr.Pepper.
    30. Jose Lima dyed his dreadlocks black in honor of Lastings Milledge.
    31. Lastings Milledge wiped the smile off of Andruw Jones' face. Now Andruw has a permanent twitch from the pain inflicted on him by the immortal Lastings.
    32. Roger Clemens has it written in his contract that he does not have to pitch against Lastings Milledge.
    33. Lastings Milledge has his own dressing room because when Lastings Milledge changes, his manhood darkens the room and the other players aren't able to get their uniforms on.
    34. People dissolve Lastings Milledge's hair roots in water and drink the potion for everlasting life.
    35. CBS just added CSI: LASTINGS MILLEDGE to their new Fall lineup.
    36. Lastings Milledge ate Mike Tyson's children.
    37. Rickey Henderson wishes his name was Lastings Milledge so he'd have a better name to refer to himself in the third person with.
    38. God says: "Holy Lastings Milledge."
    39. Lastings Milledge is actually the messiah. He will reveal himself in 2021 after he wins the Mets fifteen World Series titles.
    40. Lastings Milledge has had sex with more than 30,000 women. And this was just while he was in the minor leagues.
    41. Lastings Milledge is the odds on favorite to win the Jets starting QB job.
    42. Jim Duquette says he wouldn't trade Lastings Milledge.
    43. The Texans didn't draft Reggie Bush, because they're hoping Lastings Milledge will play running back forthem.
    44. Barry Bonds claims Lastings Milledge is on steroids.
    45. There is a new favorite to win the Belmont Stakes, Lastings Milledge.
    46. Lastings Milledge can break 9 cinder blocks that are lit on fire.
    47. Lastings Milledge freed Heath Bell.
    48. Lastings Milledge doesn't take strikes. He temporarily falls asleep at the plate to rest up before his next big hit.
    49. Trees dream of one day becoming a Lastings Milledge bat.
    50. Lastings Milledge isn't hip-hop; hip-hop is Lastings Milledge.
    51. Two-thirds of the world is covered by water. The rest is covered byLastings Milledge.
    52. Civil War cannons were nicknamed "Lastings Milledge's Arm."
    53. Lastings doesn't run he wills the earth beneath him to move.
    54. Lastings carries his clothes in cardboard boxes because luggage would burst open from its touch.
    55. Would you like to see Lastings circle the earth on foot? Would you like to see it again?
    56. Lastings through osmosis will cause his teamates to test positive for HGH.
    57. Roger Clements won't throw that bat head at Lastings Milledge. He knows that Milledge would shove the bat head down his throat, eat his children and force him to retire.
    58. Lastings Milledge understands the frequency.
    59. Lastings Milledge beat traffic on the Van Wyck Expressway.
    60. Lastings Milledge traded Kaz Matsui to the Colorado Rockies.
    61. Lastings Milledge reminded Jose Valentin how to hit.
    62. Lastings Milledge can build skyscrapers and then destroy them with a blink of his eyes.
    63. Lastings Milledge got the Beatles back together.
    64. Lastings Milledge laughed at the end of "The Notebook."
    65. When Lastings Milledge hits a home run, he's disappointed that his at bat is over.
    66. Lastings Milledge removed Rick Peterson's jacket.
    67. Alay Soler defected to America so he can play with Lastings Milledge.
    68. George Steinbrenner doesn't have enough money to buy Lastings Milledge.
    69. Lastings Milledge went back in time to 1999 to pitch in relief of Kenny Rogers in Game 6 of the NLCS against the Braves. He struck Andruw Jones out looking and then came back to hit the game winning home run. He then propelled the Mets to a game 7 victory where he pitched a perfect game and hit five home runs.
    70. Lastings Milledge's bat breaks Mariano Rivera's cutter in two.
    71. When Lastings Milledge threw Nomar Garciapara out at second, he was aiming for Nomar's head.
    72. Lastings Milledge sold his soul for a donut but when Satan came around to collect, Lastings beat him all the way back to hell. The donut was chocolate glazed and delicious.
    73. At the end of his career, MLB will rename the MVP award to the "Just not as good as Lastings" award.
    74. Lastings Milledge does not trade Nolan Ryan for Jim Fregosi.
    75. If a tree falls in the forest, Lastings Milledge hears it.
    76. The phone company gave Lastings Milledge a 212 number - in fact, they gave him all of them.
    77. Lastings Milledge used his jedi mind tricks to force Xavier Nady's appendix into bursting.
    78. Lastings Milledge invented the whistle tips for car mufflers...Woot Woot!
    79. Nobody puts Baby in the corner, except Lastings Milledge.
    80. Lastings Milledge doesn't dodge bullets; he uses them for batting practice.
    81. Lastings Milledge can bend light with his arm.
    82. Lastings Milledge's arm is so strong that the ball will appear in the fielder's glove before he even throws it.
    83. Lastings Milledge would've struck out Paul O'Neill in Game 1 of the 2000 World Series.
    84. Bill Buckner missed the ball in Game 6 because an image of Lastings Milledge flashed across his mind, temporarily paralyzing him.
    85. Lastings Milledge built Rome in a day and still had enough time to conquer the rest of the known world as well.
    86. May 30 will be forever known as "Lastings Milledge Day." Bobbleheads will not be included as it is sacrilege to produce anything in his likeness.
    87. Lastings Milledge sank the Bismarck
    88. "Who's Your Daddy?" Answer: Lastings Milledge
    89. Lastings Milledge is a baseball player with all of their strengths and none of their weaknesses.
    90. "The Exorcist" always helps Lastings Milledge fall asleep easier.
    91. Randy Johnson is awful this year because he's too worried about pitching to Lastings Milledge.
    92. Thomas Jefferson originally wrote for the Declaration of Independence, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that no man is created equal to Lastings Milledge."
    93. Lastings Milledge, not Morpheus, is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous man alive.
    94. Lastings Milledge can split the atom with his warm-up swings.
    95. God created the world in six days and rested on the seventh. Lastings Milledge did it all in one day and still had time to play a double header.
    96. Lastings Milledge is his own species. His biological name is "Homerun Rakings."
    97. All matter is naturally drawn to Lastings Milledge.
    98. Lastings Milledge has to hold back when he throws or else he would shoot the Earth out of its rotation.
    99. Lastings Milledge was born without original sin.
    100. It is said that no matter can hit absolute zero and completely stop, but when Lastings Milledge plays, EVERYTHING stops to watch.
    101. "The World's Strongest Man Competition" has been renamed "The Lastings Milledge Workout Hour."
    102. Billy Wagner always asks Lastings Milledge how to throw harder.
    103. Lastings Milledge wanted to be a pitcher, but the radar gun doesn't have four digits.
    104. Lastings Milledge moves for no man.
    105. When Lastings Milledge eventually dies, everything will cease to be. Nothing can exist without Lastings Milledge's presence.
    106. The answer to all of life's problems is Lastings Milledge.
    107. Lastings Milledge killed al-Zarqawi. He died when Lastings Milledge's second ML homerun was shown on Iraqi TV. He couldn't take that blast.
    108. The Pope has decreed that Lastings Milledege, not Jesus is God's only son.
    109. Lastings Milledge can talk about Fight Club.
    110. Lastings Milledge did not come to the Mets from AAA, he came from Krypton.
    111. The 11 teams who passed on Lastings Milledge in the 2003 draft will be contracted.
    112. Lastings Milledge puts his shoes on first, then his socks.
    113. Lastings Milledge is the only drummer from Spinal Tap to survive.
    114. Lastings Milledge gets pulled over for speeding when he circles the bases.
    115. Lastings Milledge brought the Giants and Dodgers back to New York just so he can decimate their pitching staffs 19 times a year.
    116. Delmon Young threw his bat at a minor league umpire after the ump told him,"You're not Lastings Milledge."
    117. Lastings Milledge doesn't need to blow on soup when it's hot.
    118. Lastings Milledge is better than a Mac and a PC.
    119. Lastings Milledge eats raw habanero chiles for the fun of it.
    120. Lastings Milledge tried to call his shot like Babe Ruth, but he realized the human eye can't see as far as he was going to hit the ball.
    121. Lastings Milledge was sent from the future to protect John Connor, but heinstead decided to suit up for the Mets for the good of New York City.
    122. Lastings Milledge didn't learn how to ride a bike by using training wheels. He learned on a motorcycle.
    123. Lastings Milledge learned how to walk before he crawled.
    124. Lastings Milledge injured Gary Sheffield's wrist in an arm wrestling match.
    125. Lastings Milledge floats like a butterfly and beats the crap out of you.
    126. Lastings Milledge is the voice in "Field of Dreams"
    127. Lastings Milledge is 12 years old. His parents lied on his birth certificate so he could play with the Mets sooner.
    128. Lastings Milledge knows how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop.
    129. Lastings Milledge didn't get called up. He called Omar Minaya and told him he was coming up.
    130. Mets management has decided to change the "Diamond Dash" promotion to "Get Thrown Out at Third by Lastings Milledge."
    131. Mike and the Mad Dog said that there's a little Willie Mays in Lastings Milledge. Actually, there's a little bit of Lastings Milledge in all of us, but we fail to unlock our full potential.
    132. Lasting Milledge's hair is actually a group of antennas that pick up signals from his home planet.
    133. TV cameras are naturally drawn to Lastings Milledge. They need a group of cameramen from keeping the cameras from constantly focusing on him.
    134. You cannot grasp the true form of Lastings Milledge's swing.
    135. If you see Lastings Milledge on your television, he'll throw you out at second seven days later.
    136. Lastings Milledge's hair is its own nation. It is currently awaiting entrance into the United Nations.
    137. UFC matches were invented by Lastings Milledge so he can stretch out before each game.
    138. Lastings Milledge achieved enlightenment. He wasn't impressed.
    139. The 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not run on Lastings Milledge.
    140. Lastings Milledge has you. And your kids. And your wife.
    141. AA players are regularly sacrificed to keep Lastings Milledge from extracting vengeance.
    142. If David Wright and Lastings Milledge were to fuse into one being, all would be obliterated.
    143. Melky Cabrera and Ryan Howard are Lastings Milledge wannabes.
    144. Goose Gossage would never throw at Lastings Milledge's head.
    145. The Holy Trinity has been replaced by Reyes, Wright, and Lastings Milledge. Pray to them and you shall be saved.
    146. Carlos Beltran is hitting thanks to Lastings Milledge.
    147. Lastings Milledge will be the next NFL franchise in Los Angeles. They/He will start play in 2015.
    148. Lastings Milledge injured Albert Pujols so he wouldn't get any ideas about trying to break the home run record before Milledge does.
    149. Plutonium is a byproduct of Lasting Milledge's swing.
    150. "Caesar" was just the Roman way of saying "Lastings Milledge."
    151. Lastings Milledge's arm can power the entire North American continent.
    152. It is forbidden in some cultures to even say the words "Lastings Milledge."
    153. Lastings Milledge has 100 concubines. Every single Braves and Phillies player is one of them, except for Chipper Jones. He couldn't make it because Lastings Milledge waved his magic wand and turned Chipper into a rat. Then he gazed at him and sent him straight to rat hell.
    154. Lastings Milledge's hard slide didn't take out John Schuerholz's son. Schuerholz fell down and injured himself when he found out his team was playing the Tides and Milledge was coming. And yes, Schuerholz is a *****.
    155. Lastings Milledge ghostwrote the bible.
    156. Lastings Milledge will be the first black President. In fact, he already is. He will take over as soon as he hits his 900th homerun sometime in 2007.
    157. The new Windows version has been renamed Microsoft Windows LM. Lastings wrote the code for the entire OS in less than one hour.
    158. Lastings Milledge has 30 WS rings. He went into the future and retrieved all of them so he doesn't have to wait.
    159. Lastings Milledge once hired Donald Trump to be his personal bat boy....after a week Lastings said, YOUR FIRED. Yes, he said "your" instead of "you're." Despite his super powers, grammar has never been Lastings Milledge's forte.
    160. I walked into the room to find Lastings Milledge having sex with my wife. I waited until he finished and I thanked him.
    161. After his game tying homerun against Armando Benetiz, Lastings Milledge pointed towards the heavens and thanked God. God assured him he had nothing to do with it and pointed right back at him adding a "Boo-Yaaaah!" Milledge cooly pointed right back and said, "Mo' Boo-Yaaah to ya."
    162. If you pirate movies or music, Lastings will come to your house and give you an unholy beating.
    163. Muhammed Ali is changing his name to Lastings Milledge.
    164. Lastings Milledge IS instant replay. There is a delay time between Lasting Milledge's swing and when your eye actually picks it up.
    165. Lastings Milledge is currently building the Mets new stadium.
    166. Lastings Milledge went back in time and renamed Shea Stadium "Lastings Milledge's Crib." The Mets immediately became the winningest franchise in baseball history because every team was too afraid to play them.
    167. Lastings Milledge is so fast that he arrives at home plate before completing his swing. Obviously, all of his hits are homeruns, whether the human eye can catch them or not.
    168. It is impossible to see a slow motion version of Lasting Milledge's plays.
    169. Lastings Milledge hit a home run on his back swing.
    170. The Midas touch turns everything to gold. The Lastings Milledge touch turns everything into homeruns.
    171. For the filming of "The Matrix", Lastings Milledge was called in to do all of the stunts.
    172. The Braves don't talk trash because Lastings Milledge would go to Turner Field and beat the crap out of them.
    173. The Braves are losing because the force of Lastings Milledge pushes all teams downward in the division.
    174. Many girls think David Wright is cute, but they immediately have orgasms when Lasting Milledge's picture is shown.
    175. Warren Spahn threw sixteen innings in a start. Lastings Milledge was doing that when he was in his mama's belly.
    176. Only Lastings Milledge makes an out when he wants to. If he wanted, he could shatter Ty Cobb's batting average record, but that would be unfair.
    177. When Manny Ramirez poses after a homerun, he is looking up at the sky for Lastings Milledge's approval.
    178. Lastings Milledge could climb the Green Monster.
    179. When seeing Luis Gonzalez throw, Lastings Milledge has to restrain from killing him. He hates seeing his greatest talent being butchered.
    180. Ichiro, Jeff Francoeur, Carlos Beltran, and Vladimir Guerrero combine for 28% of Lastings Milledge's arm strength.
    181. Jay Payton was the corrupt prototype of Lastings Milledge. Thankfully, the final version is here.
    182. Lastings Milledge's swing is the sound of inevitability.
    183. Cliff Floyd and Julio Franco fight over carrying Lastings Milledge's bags.
    184. In 1984, scientists took the 1984 NL All Star team and conducted an experiment. They took all of their DNA and mated that with a woman's who was a member of the USC softball NCAA champions. The result: Lastings Milledge. He is actually a twin, his brother is Danny DeVito. Although, DeVito admits Lastings Milledge is clearly the superior twin.
    185. The Tsunami of 2004 was a result of one of Lastings Milledge's homeruns landing in the Indian Ocean. Graciously, Lastings has since apologized.
    186. Lastings Milledge is a joker, a smoker and a midnight toker.
    187. In the Soccer World Cup draw, Lastings Milledge is his own group.
    188. Chipper Jones washes Lastins Milledge's underwear.
    189. Lastings Milledge doesn't need a Blackberry. He closes his eyes and all of his email appears in his head. Then in one glance he reads the 1000 messages he receives every hour.
    190. Lastins Milledge designed the '86 Mets racing stripe uniforms.
    191. Lastings Milledge healed Jose Reyes' hamstring.
    192. E-mail only works because Lastings Milledge can throw your letters to other computers.
    193. Lastings Milledge threw Derek Jeter out at home plate in Yankee Stadium. Lastings was playing RF at Shea at the time.
    194. Lastings Milledge can finally get Pedro a win. No one has asked him yet.
    195. It's a bird. It's a plane, NO it's LASTINGS MILLEDGE!!!
    196. Lastings Milledge can assemble IKEA furniture in his sleep.
    197. Lastings Milledge wasn't just high fiving people down the right field line, he was picking out people he can bench press between innings.
    198. Teen spirit smells like Lastings Milledge.
    199. Sammy Sosa didn't have pieces of cork in his bat when he hit over 60 homers three years in a row. He had pieces of Lastings Milledge.
    200. Gregg Jefferies throws a batting helmet every time he looks at Lastings Milledge.
    201. Lastings Milledge can get from Times Square to Shea Stadium faster than the #7 Express train. Sometimes he carries the train in his back pocket as he goes to work.
    202. Lastings Milledge hair doesn't grow, he intimidates it out of his head.
    203. Michael Jordan left the NBA for baseball because he admired an adolescent Lastings Milledge.
    204. Opposing teams LOVE when Lastings Milledge slides spikes up into them.. Because they get to grace the spikes of God.
    205. Lastings Milledge isn't on the All-Star ballot because no other outfielder would receive a vote. The other starters would be whoever Lastings feels like playing with that day.
    206. Some Atlanta residents believe that the coming of Lastings Milledge means that Armageddon is coming, this October.
    207. During the Cuban Missile Crisis, JFK aimed Lastings Milledge's arm at the Soviet Union; the conflict was soon resolved.
    208. Lastings Milledge doesn't ask, "can you hear me now?" He just appears and kicks the crap of the person who doesn't hear him.
    209. The Braves were eliminated from playoff contention the day Lastings Milledge was called up to the Mets.
    210. When Lastings Milledge retires, baseball will fold.
    211. Bill James had to come up with a new Sabermetrics formula to accurately understand the impact Lastings Milledge has had on baseball. The formula: e = LM squared.
    212 . The Boston Red Sox won the 2004 World Series because Lastings Milledge likes a good New England Clam Chowder.
    213. David Ortiz owes it all to Lastings Milledge.
    214. Human Growth Hormone is just bottled Lastings Milledge essence.
    215. Lastings Milledge knows where Sammy Sosa has disappeared to.
    216. Hot and cold streaks really only happen because Lastings Milledge decides whether he likes you or not on a week to week basis.
    217. Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds grew from Lastings Milledge's baby teeth.
    218. Lastings Milldedge is the man from Nantucket.
    219. Dae Sung Koo never doubled off Randy Johnson.... Lastings Milledge hit it for him, he then threw Koo head first into home plate.
    220. After David Ortiz met Lastings Milledge, he changed his name to El Nino.
    221. Shea Stadium is considered a "no fly zone" during Mets games because Lastings Milledge's home runs interfere with Laguardia's flight plans.
    222. I got a ball signed by Lastings Milledge. I traded it to George Steinbrenner the next day for the Yankees and his first born son.
    223. After this year, MLB has decided to combine the MVP, Cy Young, Gold Glove, Silver Slugger, and Rookie of the Year awards and rename it Lastings Milledge (not the Lastings Milledge Award. Just Lastings Milledge).
    224. That sound you hear over Shea isn't planes flying from Laguardia, it's Lastings Milledge's bat swing breaking the sound barrier and creating a sonic boom.
    225. Major league baseball just announced that it is illegal to shake Lastings Milledge's hand, it is now considered a performance enhancing drug.
    226. Bradenton, Florida - Lastings Milledge's birthplace, has just been named the new capital of the United States of America.
    227. Xavier Nady did not get appendicitis. Milledge strangled him with his do rag and then ate the corpse. The team is keeping it quiet. Gary Cohen got wind of it, now he has 'appendicitis' too ...
    228. The coffee in the Mets clubhouse come in three varieties; Leaded, Un-leaded and Milledge.
    229. The Team, The Time, The Milledge.
    230. The Hall of Fame has been renamed Lastings Milledge's House.
    231. Julio Franco eats five egg whites for breakfast. Lastings Milledge eats Shawn Abner, Gregg Jefferies, Ryan Thompson, Alex Ochoa, and Alex Escobar.
    1,000,000. Unlike the list on the Cole Hamels site, all of these facts about Lastings Milledge are actually true.

  2. #2
    How hillarious . . .



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