[b]All This Assumes Satan Is At Least 35 Years of Age and Was Born in the United States:[/b] Last week Jerry Falwell said fundamentalists would work harder to defeat a Hillary Clinton presidential candidacy than if Lucifer were running for president. On an [i]exclusive[/i] basis, TMQ has obtained this transcript of a recent K Street meeting between Satan and his campaign consultant.
CONSULTANT: Let's go over these focus-group results. First there's the name thing. Voters like casual -- Bill Clinton, Bob Dole. "Satan" sounds kind of stiff and formal. Do you have a first name?
SATAN: I have many names. Abaddon, Ahriman, Apollyon, Asmodeus, Azazel...
CONSULTANT: Gotta be informal.
SATAN: My friends call me Steve.
CONSULTANT: Steve Satan. That's great, sounds like the guy next door. Now let's be honest, you have negatives. For example, you want everyone to suffer horribly for all eternity. How am I supposed to sell that to voters?
SATAN: We've made a lot of changes in hell -- now we're customer-conscious. If you're willing to sell your soul, we pledge to have the demon there with the contract that day or your first month in hell is pain-free. Plus we've got a mission statement and a philosophy of Total Quality Torment.
CONSULTANT: Now your position on the issues. Iraq war?
SATAN: Strongly in favor.
CONSULTANT: Universal health care insurance?
SATAN: Strongly opposed.
SATAN: Let 'em die in the desert.
CONSULTANT: United Nations?
SATAN: Don't mention that I run it.
CONSULTANT: Education reform?
SATAN: Everyone should learn Latin. I hate it when people come to hell and don't even speak our language.
CONSULTANT: The television coach will be here in a minute to work with you. We need to eliminate the hissing.
SATAN: Sorry. I do that when I'm nervous. Guess I shouldn't have quit smoking!
CONSULTANT: Fund-raising is going well. I hope you don't object to taking money from Persian Gulf oil sheiks.
SATAN: Of course not. But do you have any qualms about working for me?