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Thread: Hamper '09 Joke Thread

  1. #1
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    Hamper '09 Joke Thread

    I did a little due dilligence, and didn't find a joke thread. So here it is. I'll start-


    Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

    When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

    She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

    Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

    Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

    The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

    Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Fridays, but on Wednesdays, I go fishing."

  2. #2
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    A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

    A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

    Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

    The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is
    a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

    "My wife's."

    "What happened to her?"

    The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

    He inquired further, "But, who is in the second hearse?"

    The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

    A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.


    "Can I borrow the dog?"


    "Get in line."

  3. #3
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    A duck walks into a 7/11 and says, "Got any grapes?" The clerk, startled by the talking duck, says, "No grapes here" so the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back and says, "Got any grapes?" The clerk says, "I told you yesterday, we don't have any grapes" so the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back and says, "Got any grapes?" Angered, the clerk says, "Listen you effing duck. If you come in here one more time asking for grapes I'm going to nail your effing webbed feet to the floor. Got it" so the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day and says, "Got any nails?" The clerk is confused and says, "No." Duck says, "Good. Got any grapes?"

  4. #4
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    Breaking news out of DC.

    [B]Terror alert! [/B]

    The Washington Redskins football practice was delayed nearly 3 hours yesterday after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

    Head coach Jim Zorn immediately suspended practice, and police and federal investigators/ hazmat were called in. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to these players was in fact the GOAL LINE.

    Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season.

  5. #5
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    Here's a few...

    I was walking past the cemetery on the way to work and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "Morning!" He said "No, just taking a dump."


    My wife was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did this to me you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, darling, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "it'll be too painful."


    I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

  6. #6
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    [QUOTE=Jets Things;3312105]Here's a few...

    I was walking past the cemetery on the way to work and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "Morning!" He said "No, just taking a dump."


    My wife was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did this to me you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, darling, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "it'll be too painful."


    [B]I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me, "Because I'm trying to examine you."[/QUOTE]

    BOOOO[/B]

  7. #7
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    [QUOTE=Jets Things;3312105]

    I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me, "Because I'm trying to examine you."[/QUOTE]

    Winner so far! :applause:

  8. #8
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    [QUOTE=Jets Things;3312105]Here's a few...

    I was walking past the cemetery on the way to work and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said "Morning!" He said "No, just taking a dump."


    [B]My wife was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did this to me you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, darling, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "it'll be too painful."[/B]

    I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she told me, "Because I'm trying to examine you."[/QUOTE]

    We HAD a thread that would've been perfect for this!

  9. #9
    I rear-ended a car this am. So there we were alongside the road when slowly the other driver got out of his car.

    You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?

    Yeah well I could not believe it, the other driver was a DWARF. He stormed over to my car. looked up at me and said I AM NOT HAPPY.

    So then I looked down at him and said WELL THEN WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

  10. #10
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    [QUOTE=MACPAC;3312569]I [B]rear-ended [/B]a car this am. So there we were alongside the road when slowly the other driver got out of his car.

    You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?

    Yeah well I could not believe it, the other driver was a DWARF. He stormed over to my car. looked up at me and said I AM NOT HAPPY.

    So then I looked down at him and said WELL THEN WHICH ONE ARE YOU?[/QUOTE] In NJ it's called being "McGreevey'd"

  11. #11
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    Lawyer Joke
    Smartest Man in the World
    A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

    In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

    Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

    The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

    The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

    He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

    The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

    The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

  12. #12
    Eddy wanted despertly to have sex with this cute, really hot girl in his office...But she was dating someone else.

    One day Eddy got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I will give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.

    The girl looked at him and then said NO!!!

    Eddy said I'll be really fast. I'll throw the money on the floor. You bend down and I'll finish by the time you pick it up.

    She thought for a moment and said she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation.

    Her boyfriend says ask him for $200 and pick up the money really fast. He will not even be able to get his pants down.

    She agreed and Eddy accepts the proposal.

    Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriends call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks.

    What happened? Still breathing hard she managed to reply. "The Bas!ard had all quarters.

  13. #13
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    [QUOTE=MACPAC;3312569]I rear-ended a car this am. So there we were alongside the road when slowly the other driver got out of his car.

    You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?

    Yeah well I could not believe it, the other driver was a DWARF. He stormed over to my car. looked up at me and said I AM NOT HAPPY.

    So then I looked down at him and said WELL THEN WHICH ONE ARE YOU?[/QUOTE]

    Does that make you Snow White?

  14. #14
    [QUOTE=quantum;3312631]Does that make you Snow White?[/QUOTE]

    What a weird thing to say :huh:

  15. #15
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    What do you call a midget clairvoyant who just escaped from prison?
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    A Small, Medium at Large.

  16. #16
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    [QUOTE=parkwayjet1;3312666]What do you call a midget clairvoyant who just escaped from prison?
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    A Small, Medium at Large.[/QUOTE]

    BOOO!

    :D

  17. #17
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    This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.

    He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."

    He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"

    The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."

    The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."

    The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."

    "I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."

    "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."

    The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."

    "Ok." the kid whispers quietly.

    So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."

    "Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."

    The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."

    She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"

    "I'll never tell."

    "You BETTER tell me where you got that money."

    "I'll never tell."

    "You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.

    The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."

    And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT **** again..."

  18. #18
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    A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

    He approached a uniformed policeman and said,

    "I've lost my grandpa!"


    "The cop asked, "What's he like?"


    The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,


    "Crown Royal and women with big tits."

  19. #19
    Whats 20 inches long, stiff as a board, and can make any woman cry?

    [SIZE="1"]Im going to hell for this one[/SIZE]

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    [SIZE="3"][SIZE="2"]Crib Death[/SIZE][/SIZE]

  20. #20
    Damm...guess I brought this thread to a grinding halt.

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