Vernon Gholston Voted NFL's Cleanest Player
NEW YORK--Vernon Gholston is the cleanest player in the NFL, according to a Sports Illustrated poll of 296 players released this week. Gholston, a linebacker for the New York Jets, received a staggering 87 percent of the vote. He was followed by Colts backup quarterback Jim Sorgi and Patriots placekicker Stephen Gostkowski.
Though Gholston was drafted for his tackling ability, he “wouldn’t hurt a fly” and “never lays a hand on anyone,” according to his peers. Gholston received the most votes from running backs, who lauded him for his “politeness” and “gentlemanly nature” on the field.
“Gholston is definitely the cleanest player in the NFL,” said Colts running back Joseph Addai. “I don’t know, for some reason he just refuses to tackle me. He’s so polite! Most defenders are like ‘Grrr! I’m gonna kill you, *****!’ but Vernon just halfheartedly waves his arms and lets me go by. The NFL needs more players like this. Enough with the Neanderthal stuff! We need to be nice to each other.”
Since coming into the league in 2008, Gholston has been a major disappointment to the Jets, registering zero sacks and just 24 tackles. His performance has, however, earned him the praise of his peers, especially those on opposing offenses.
“Vernon’s known for his clean play,” said Patriots tight end Benjamin Watson. “He’ll never try to gouge your eyes out or stomp on your face or spit on you or touch you at all. I bet he’s never even had a penalty called on him. Talk about clean, disciplined play that never hurts your team. Rex Ryan must be in love with the guy.”
In a game against the Dolphins earlier this season, Gholston missed several tackles, including one against Ronnie Brown that would have forced the Dolphins to punt. Gholston appeared to have a clean shot at Brown, but was instead leveled by QB Pat White, who was blocking on the play. White, who weighs in at 190 pounds, called Ghoston, “incredibly clean.”
“He’s an incredibly clean player,” White said. “If I ever tried to throw a block on Joey Porter or Albert Haynesworth, they would probably slam me to the ground and jump up and down on my neck while spitting in my face and threatening my family. Vernon’s just not like that. As soon as I touched him, he laid down and died like a dog. And I’m a big pu$$y. All he had to do was make a mean face at me and I would have run for my life.”
According to many in the NFL, the cleanest players are the ones you never hear about. For Gholston, there are times when his opponents and teammates don’t even know he’s on the field.
“Vernon’s still on our team? I thought we cut him like a year ago,” said Jets safety Kerry Rhodes. “I don’t think I’ve seen him on the field once this year. Oh, look, it says here he has 24 tackles….in two years? Our punter has more tackles than that! Though with the amount of times we punt, maybe that’s not such a big deal.”
For Gholston, playing the game cleanly is a point of pride. The 23-year-old said he was “humbled” to be voted cleanest player in the NFL.
“I am very humbled to learn that my peers think of me this way,” said Gholston. “I have great respect for the game and always try to play clean. I pride myself on being a gentleman out there. I guess that’s why I don’t get much playing time. There’s just no room in today’s game for a true gentleman who plays the game clean and is totally, ridiculously ineffective.”
Copyright 2009, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.