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Thread: Joke thread

  1. #201
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    Two blondes on opposite sides of a river are yelling at one another. One yells, how'd you get on the other side. The other replied, "you stupid b!tch, you are on the other side.

  2. #202
    Its an old fashioned scottish dance.

    On one side of the room there is a row of chairs with men, the other side, women.

    As the night progresses, a man would get up and ask a girl to dance.

    Eventually there were only one man and one woman left.

    Not surprising since the man had a wooden eye and the woman had a cleft palate

    Eventually, the man decides to throw caution to the wind and approach the young lady....

    "Excuse me lass, but do you think youd honor me with a dance?"

    "OH.... would I, would I, would I"!

    "F*CK YOU HAIRLIP!"

  3. #203
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    A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..


    The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,

    athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign

    around her neck..


    She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

    The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

    Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing,

    he finally gives up..


    The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.


    On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.


    The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,

    beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but

    Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you

    can have me'.


    Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he

    does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens

    with him gradually getting in better and better shape.


    Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he

    has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company

    to order the 7-day/50 pound program

    'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'

    'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'


    The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular

    guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck

    that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'


    He lost 63 pounds that week.

  4. #204
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    Three old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,

    "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

    Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

    So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
    newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

    "I’m a hit man," was the reply.

    "You're joking!” was the response.

    "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

    "That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".

    So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

    "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".

    "Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The *****!"

    He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"

    "I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

    "Can you do two for me now?"

    “Sure, what do you want?”

    "First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

    The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

    “Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.

    "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . .

    "I think I can save ya a grand here…."

  5. #205
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    Double Standard

    When a woman gets a vibrator, it's viewed as a bit of naughty fun.

    BUT when a guy orders a 240-Volt Sunbeam Fvck Master Pro 5000 blow-up latex doll with six-speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream Dolby surround sound system, with huge breasts and pink nipples, he's called a pervert.

  6. #206
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    I've been trying to cut down on my sexual innuendos, just one problem...


    it's so hard

  7. #207
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    Two sons on their father's 90th birthday bought him an hour with a top flight escort, and when she arrived she asked the usual questions after initial pleasantries. "So would you like to start with the super blowjob?"

    "Well," replied the father, "I'm sort of hungry, so I'll take the soup."

  8. #208
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    lololol

  9. #209
    Bewildered Beast
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    My mother never loved me; I was breast-fed by my father!

  10. #210
    Quote Originally Posted by Big L View Post
    Three old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,

    "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

    Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

    So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
    newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

    "I’m a hit man," was the reply.

    "You're joking!” was the response.

    "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

    "That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".

    So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

    "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".

    "Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The *****!"

    He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"

    "I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

    "Can you do two for me now?"

    “Sure, what do you want?”

    "First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

    The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

    “Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.

    "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . .

    "I think I can save ya a grand here…."

  11. #211
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    The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to
    speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in
    and sits down. The interviewer asks him:

    "Do you love your wife?"

    "Yes I do, sir."

    "Do you love your country?"

    "Yes I do, sir."

    "What do you love more, your wife or your country?"

    "My country, sir."

    "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next
    room and kill her."

    The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He
    comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He
    puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down.

    The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the
    responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells
    him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I
    can't do it..."

    The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives
    him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes
    into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is
    followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few
    minutes.

    The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun
    on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What
    happened?!?!"

    "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

  12. #212
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    A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and
    engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores
    their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears
    one of the men say the following;

    "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I
    come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
    twice. Then I come once-a more."

    "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
    country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

    "Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

    "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

  13. #213
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    "Democrats announced today that they are changing their emblem from a
    donkey to a condom because it more clearly reflects their party's
    political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production,
    discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense
    of security while screwing others."

  14. #214
    Practice Squad
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    I was an ugly baby. When i came out the doctor slap my parents.

    I really was an ugly baby, it was so bad my mother put shutters on my pram

  15. #215
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    What do you say to a woman that won't give you head?












    Happy anniversary, honey.

  16. #216
    In memory of OJ 20 years ago...
    Johnny Cochran visits OJ in the cell. Says he has good news and bad news.
    OJ says give me the bad news.
    Cochran says they found your blood at the crime scene, in the Bronco, in your house and on the gloves. You are totally implicated.
    OJ very despondently asks, "So what's the good news"?
    Cochran says, "Your cholesterol is 175".

  17. #217
    2 guys golfing waiting on the 5th hole with 2 slow women in front of them.
    The one guys says, "Go up to them and ask if we can play through".
    Guy gets to within 100 yards and comes back.
    Other guy says, "What happened?"
    He says, "I can't talk to them! One of them is my wife and she's playing with my girlfriend!. Why don't you go up and ask them if we can play through?"
    Other guy goes up the fairway, turns around and says to his buddy..."Damn it's a small world".
    Last edited by Flushing Roots; 06-16-2014 at 04:17 PM.

  18. #218
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    You should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner.

    Once she stops sucking, change the fvcking bag!

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