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Thread: Joke thread

  1. #1
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    Joke thread

    I'd like to hear some funny jokes. Got any?

    Here's one I read today:

    "So Tom Brady doesn't want to watch Hard Knocks? That's ok.... The Patriots tape the Jets practices anyways."

  2. #2
    Little Johnny was sitting in the park eating one chocolate bar after another. A man sitting next to him noticed that and said:

    "Eating that much chocolate is not good for you."

    Little Johnny replied:

    "My grandpa lived to be 100 years old."

    The man asked:

    "And he ate that much chocolate?"

    Little Johnny replied:

    "No, he minded his own f()cking business."

  3. #3
    Knock Knock.
    Who's there?
    Not Revis.

  4. #4
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    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

    Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

    They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

    The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

    After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

    The husband said, 'I'm not sure... maybe she choked.'

  5. #5
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    A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

    After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

    The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

    The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

    To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

    The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

    A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

    The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

    The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'

    The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'

    The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

    Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the **** out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?'

  6. #6
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    Little Johnny is extremely excited to go to his 3rd grade class today, he knows the teacher will be asking questions about NYC, and to describe NYC in a sentence.

    The teacher asks who would like to go first, and Johnny is waving his hand like crazy,... crazy, me,me, me. The teacher calls on Sally, and she says," The Empire State building is tall, and has a million steps in it." Very good, the teacher replies.

    Once again she asks, and Johnny is going appe$hit, me,me,me. The teacher calls on Freddy and he says, "We have many places to eat here, Chinese, Italian etc." The teacher again says well done.

    This goes on the entire class, and Johnny is getting pissed. He finally gets called on, the teacher asks him what he would like to say.

    With that, Johnny pops up out of his seat and yells," NYC has a subway system, and it is full of Rats!!!,.. big phukin Rats!!!!,... with Diccks this big!!!!"

  7. #7
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    what do you call the useless piece of flesh that surrounds the vagina????



































    a woman...

  8. #8
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    A slope shouldered man walks into a bar wearing a knee length plaid nightshirt and a parrot on his shoulder. The parrot has no feathers, one eye and one leg.

    The bartender takes one look and goes..."holy ****....where did you get the farging thing?"

    The Parrot goes "Vermont!"


    -

  9. #9
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    an indian chief and his young son are walking through the woods one day...

    the young boy looks at his father and asks, "father, how did you come to name my brother??"....the indian chief responds, "well son- one day i saw a bear running through the woods, so i named him running bear"...

    a few moments later the young boy asks his father, "father, how did you come to name my sister?"...the indian chief responds, "well son, another day i was in the woods and i saw deer running through the woods...so i named her running deer"....

    the indian chief pauses and looks at his son, then asks, "why do you ask so many questions two dogs fuqing?"

  10. #10
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    wow, concidence, I was just looking at the old locked joke thread today. Why it was locked, I have no idea....

    Why was 6 afraid of 7?




    Because 7 8 9.

  11. #11
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    A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

    They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

    A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

    The girl has been watching him and says: "You must be a dentist."

    The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

    "Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

    One thing leads to another and they make love.

    After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

    The guy, now with an inflated ego, says: "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

    The girl replies:.....

    "Didn't feel a thing."

  12. #12
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    Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

    "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.

    "You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

    The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

    "I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off."

    She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"

    Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again.

    "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?"

    "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your ***** with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."

    The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV.

    "What's up love?" he asks.

    "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.

    "I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.

    "Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.

    "Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

    "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!

    The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the TV back on.

    "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

    "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."

  13. #13
    Quote Originally Posted by crossfire View Post
    "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."
    LMAO. Now that's hilarious.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Big L View Post
    wow, concidence, I was just looking at the old locked joke thread today. Why it was locked, I have no idea....

    Why was 6 afraid of 7?




    Because 7 8 9.
    ghey....



    why did tigger stick his head in the toilet??? he was look for Pooh....

  15. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by 32green View Post
    A slope shouldered man walks into a bar wearing a knee length plaid nightshirt and a parrot on his shoulder. The parrot has no feathers, one eye and one leg.

    The bartender takes one look and goes..."holy ****....where did you get the farging thing?"

    The Parrot goes "Vermont!"


    -

  16. #16
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    A blonde woman goes to the doctor. The doctor examines her, and then says to her "You have acute vaginitis".

    The blonde says "Thank you!"

  17. #17
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    Two drunks walk into a tavern and saddles up to the bar. Bartender walks up and sees that one of the drunks has his pants down to his ankles and the other one has his finger planted firmly up his fanny.
    Bartender yells "Hey! we don't allow that kinda behavior in this establishment!"
    The bum with his finger in his buddy's behind says "no it's not like that, my buddy here has a stomache ache and I'm trying to get him to throw up"
    Bartender looks at him says "that ain't gonna make him throw up"
    The bum responds "sure it will..as soon as I stick my finger in his mouth"

  18. #18
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    What, no Polish jokes?*

    A bar customer asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a Polish joke. The bartender pointed to a large man at the end of the bar and said, "He's Polish." Then the bartender pointed to a burly policeman near the door and repeated, "He's Polish." The bartender finished, "Now think about whether you want to tell that joke, because I'm Polish, too." The customer replied, "I guess I won't tell that joke after all. I'd have to explain it three times."

    *Disclaimer- I am 1/4 Polish.

  19. #19
    Quote Originally Posted by srobjets View Post
    Knock Knock.
    Who's there?
    Not Revis.

  20. #20
    A man walks into a bar. The bar is completely empty, except for the bartender. The man orders a drink, the bartender pours it and then goes into the back room, leaving the man alone in the bar.

    Suddenly, the man hears someone say. "Nice tie."

    He looks around, but no one there.

    He goes back to sipping his drink. Then he hears someone say, "Your hair looks really good today."

    Again, he looks around, but no one there. Thinking he's losing his mind, the man goes back to his drink.

    Then he hears someone say, "You look great, have you lost weight?"

    Just then, the bartender emerges from the back room.

    "Was that you talking before?" asks the man.

    "No, I didn't say anything," replies the bartender.

    "Really? Because I distinctly heard someone say "Nice tie", then they complimented my hair and asked if I'd lost weight."

    "Ohhh, said the bartender....that's the peanuts, they're complimentary."

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