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Thread: Joke thread

  1. #121
    Quote Originally Posted by Big L View Post
    A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

    The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

    Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.

    You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

    The man groans, but the doctor goes on,

    "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

    They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

    The man perks up.

    "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

    But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

    If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

    If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

    The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.


    The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

    "Yes I have," says the man.

    "And has she helped you make a decision?"

    "Yes" says the man.

    "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.


    "We're getting granite counter tops."
    Lol, poor bastard

  2. #122
    Why do pilgrims pants keep falling down?


    Because their belt buckles are on their hats.

    ****************************************

    How to cook a turkey:

    Step 1: Go buy a turkey.
    Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD.
    Step 3: Put turkey in the oven.
    Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey.
    Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens.
    Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink.
    Step 7: Turn oven the on.
    Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky.
    Step 9: Turk the bastey.
    Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get.
    Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer.
    Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey.
    Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours.


    *****************************************

    A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

    They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
    "I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the fukken thing!"

  3. #123
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    How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

    Pick him up and suck his c0ck

  4. #124
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buzzsaw View Post
    How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

    Pick him up and suck his c0ck
    ...and we all silently get up and go to the other side of the hampuer....far away from Buzz.....

  5. #125
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buzzsaw View Post
    How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

    Pick him up and suck his c0ck
    How Do you get a song writer off you door step.....













    pay for the pizza.

  6. #126
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    Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

    My six-year-old grand-son asked if he could say grace.

    As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the
    food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for
    dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

    Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
    remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know
    how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

    Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it
    wrong? Is God mad at me?"

    As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was
    certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

    He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that
    was a great prayer."

    "Really?" my grand-son asked.

    "Cross my heart," the man replied.

    Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark
    had started this whole thing),

    "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for
    the soul sometimes."

    Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My
    grand-son stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will
    remember the rest of my life.

    He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in
    front of the woman.

    With a big smile he told her,

    "Here, this is for you. Now shove it up your ass you grouchy old bltch! "

  7. #127
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    A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store.

    When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around.

    Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing.

    The blind man replied, “I’m just lookin’ around.”

  8. #128
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  9. #129
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    Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

    "Why?" asks the father.

    "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

    "But that's right!"

    "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

    "What's the ****ing difference?" asks the father.

    "That's what I said!”

  10. #130
    1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
    2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
    3- Half the people you know are below average.
    4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name
    5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
    6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
    7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    8- If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
    9- All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
    10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
    12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
    13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
    14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
    15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
    16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
    17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy .
    18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
    19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good
    20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
    21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
    22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
    23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
    24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
    25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
    26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
    27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
    28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
    29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
    30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
    31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
    32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
    33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
    34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work

  11. #131
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    There once was a young man named Billy Bob. Now, Billy Bob was a normal Southern boy looking for a nice Southern girl to be his wife. One day, at a mud wrestling match, he met beautiful Tammy Jo. They fell in love and got married. To celebrate their marriage they spent their wedding night at a Super 8 motel in their home town. Tammy Jo was very excited. She had bought some nice lingerie and Billy Bob thought she was absolutely breathtaking.

    As they were getting hot and heavy, Tammy Jo said, “Be gentle with me, I’m a virgin.” Billy Bob was totally outraged to hear this revelation. He jumped up, walked out of the room with Tammy Jo, drove to her parents’ house and left her crying on the doorstep.

    Billy Bob immediately went over to his father’s house and told him what had just happened. “She said she was a virgin… A VIRGIN!!” To which his father replied, “Well son, as I’ve always told you, if she ain’t good enough for her own family, she sure ain’t good enough for ours!”

  12. #132
    Here's a joke for you: 2012 New York Jets.


    HAHAHAHAHA, pretty funny right? I think I have to go throw up now.

  13. #133
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    I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
    I said "You're pulling my leg."

    I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
    At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

    My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
    Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

    Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
    Do you think I should change dentists?

    A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
    He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
    She said she would like to come back as a cow.
    I said, "You're obviously not listening".

    The wife has been missing a week now.
    Police said to prepare for the worst.
    So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

    There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

    You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

    A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
    I said "How can you tell them apart?"
    He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

    Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
    To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard."

    The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan.
    I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

  14. #134
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    'I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come, and the awkward silence afterwards as he got dressed and left.'

  15. #135
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    On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah."

    The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

    The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

    The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

  16. #136
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    An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending church services at
    The Villages.

    About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her
    purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.

    The note said: "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

    Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

  17. #137
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    Quote Originally Posted by Big L View Post
    An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending church services at
    The Villages.

    About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her
    purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.

    The note said: "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

    Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

  18. #138
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    The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

    Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

    The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

    Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was "fascinated."

    The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate.

    Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

    Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."

  19. #139
    Quote Originally Posted by Big L View Post
    The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

    Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

    The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

    Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was "fascinated."

    The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate.

    Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

    Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."
    LOL.

  20. #140
    Quote Originally Posted by Big L View Post
    The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

    Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

    The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

    Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was "fascinated."

    The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate.

    Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

    Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."
    I heard this joke told but it was his sister instead of his Aunt Gina.

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