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Thread: Joke thread

  1. #81
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    Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop.

    The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."

  2. #82
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    Quote Originally Posted by Big L View Post
    Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop.

    The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."
    This joke, whilst funny, is far too erudite for the Hampur.

  3. #83
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jetworks View Post
    This joke, whilst funny, is far too erudite for the Hampur.
    You know what else is funny? I entered in to the forum search "Joke thread" to find this. And it lists the results as "The Hangar: Off-Topic Forum and child forums results"

  4. #84
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    Quote Originally Posted by Big L View Post
    Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop.

    The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."
    I'm not certain if this is funny or not

  5. #85
    Quote Originally Posted by Jetworks View Post
    This joke, whilst funny, is far too erudite for the Hampur.
    the word erudite is too erudite for the Hampur

  6. #86
    Ford Built Truck
    New Truck built by a company which didn't get bail out
    I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck . Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
    I returned to the dealer yesterday
    Because I couldn't get the radio to work.
    The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

    'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.
    The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

    'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
    Came from the speakers.

    Then he said, 'Ray Charles!' and in an instant,
    ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
    I drove away happy and for the next few days,
    Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
    I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
    'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

    Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
    And nearly creamed my new truck,
    But I swerved in time to avoid him.
    I yelled, 'A$$hole!'
    Immediately the radio responded with,
    Ladies and gentlemen,
    The President of The
    United States
    Damn I love this truck....

  7. #87
    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
 By a hostile Indian War Party.




 The Indian Chief proclaimed,



"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"... 




"In honor of the Buffalo Hunt, 
YOU will be sacrificed in three days."

    



"Before we kill you, I grant you three requests" 
"What is your FIRST request?' 



The Lone Ranger said, 
"I'd like to speak to my horse." 





The Chief nodded and Silver was brought 
Before the Lone Ranger who whispered in 
Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away.

    



Later that evening, Silver returned with 
A beautiful blonde woman on his back. 



As the Indian Chief watched, 
The blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent 
And spent the night. 


The next morning the Indian Chief admitted 
That he was impressed. 
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, 
But we will still kill you in two days." 





    "What is your SECOND request?" 



The Lone Ranger again asked to speak 
To his horse. 
Silver came to him, 
And he again whispered in the horse's ear. 



As before, Silver took off and disappeared 
Over the horizon. 



Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, 
Silver again returned, 
This time with a voluptuous brunette, 
Even more attractive than the blonde. 



She entered the Lone Ranger's tent 
And spent the night. 





    The following morning the Indian Chief said: 
"You are indeed a man of many talents," 



"But we will still kill you tomorrow." 
"What is your LAST request?" 


The Lone Ranger responded, 
"I'd like to speak to my horse - alone." 


The Chief was curious, but he agreed, 
And Silver was brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.





    Once they were alone,
The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears, 
Looked him square in the eye and said,

 Listen Very Carefully!

    FOR...THE...LAST...TIME....

"BRING POSSE

  8. #88
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    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

    His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

    "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

    "That little sh!t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

    "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

    That I did," said Paddy.

    "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

  9. #89
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    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"


    John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

    She said, "Aye, he told me and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

  10. #90
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    How's things in the morgue (Hampur)?


    Pretty dead.

  11. #91
    Trip to Italy


    A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

    "You have so much to live for," said the man.
    "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.

    I can stow you away on my ship.
    I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

    With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

    That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

    From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches,
    a bottle of red wine,
    and make love to her until dawn.

    Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain
    during a routine inspection

    ."What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.
    "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy .."

    "I see," the captain says.

    Her conscience got the best of her and she added,

    "Plus, he's screwing me."

    "He certainly is," replied the captain.

    "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

  12. #92
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    southside

  13. #93
    Quote Originally Posted by Big L View Post
    southside
    This hurts. ®

  14. #94
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    Quote Originally Posted by southside View Post
    This hurts. ®

  15. #95
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    The Rabbi is leaving.

    At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that
    he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.

    There is a hush within the congregation.

    No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

    Fred Silverstein, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline ,
    stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new
    Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
    their children!"
    The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

    Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says,
    "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and
    establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

    More sighs and loud applause.

    Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
    "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

    There is total silence.

    The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and
    holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

    Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his
    forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
    while his wife replies:

    "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "**** him."

  16. #96
    Quote Originally Posted by Big L View Post
    You sound like a bully. I'm thinking Sooth needs to sit you down and allow everyone in the hampur take their shots.

  17. #97
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    Quote Originally Posted by Big L View Post
    In Europe you have to fill out 3 forms in order to use this one

  18. #98
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    3 guys are shooting the sh1t in a bar

    1 guy sez I'm proud o' my 9 boys we have a great baseball team

    teh next gy: o yeah? my 11 sons make a fine gridiron group

    ~silence~

    the 1st 2 in unison to the 3d: what about your'n

    "18 girls...golf course"

    ****

    line at the sperm bank

    woman rushes in the door hurriedly to the end of the queue

    "hey lady this is for deposits only"

    "I knohmowph"
    Last edited by Jungle Shift Jet; 06-19-2012 at 07:50 PM.

  19. #99
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    “Jewish Furniture Dealer”

    Goldberg, a furniture dealer from Los Angles, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
    After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
    As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

    Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Goldberg couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

    After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
    Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
    To this day, Goldberg has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

  20. #100
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    How to get to Heaven from Ireland : A true story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.


    I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

    I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

    'NO!' the children answered.

    'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

    Again, the answer was 'NO!'

    If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?

    Again, they all answered 'NO!'

    I was just bursting with pride for them.

    I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven? '

    A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."

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