How many times have you walked into your mens room at work and immediately felt the need to retch? For me, too many.
How about a courtesy flush, you crap hoarder?
Yes I know a courtesty flush does not remove crap fumes from the air...but at least it removes the pile of turds from contact with air.
Well today I have smoten many coworkers with my epic leavings.
I have severe back pain at times which at least gives me the benefit of being able to take pain killers when needed, its a much better alternative than back surgery. Of course we all know the side effects is getting constipated so I have to try to get extra fiber in order to get rid of it.
It doesn't work all the time. When you're going on 3-4 days of the most rancid farts imaginable, you know when that poop train leaves the station, you better be ready. Today was that day.
I hate the mens room. I dont like having to pee or take a dump alongside people. I hate it even more when Im trying to pee and some 7 foot Sasquatch looking dude ambles up next to me and goes to pee as well. With that kind of height advantage, you know he's checking out your junk.
Anyway today was an epic dump. It cleared the waterline and just kept on going. I wanted to see how big I could get the pile so I didnt flush.
Needless to say as soon as people entered, no one actually said anything, but you could hear people start coughing, and people 'doing their business' at a much quicker pace.
I could have swore I saw some guy go down on one knee as he struggled against the effects of asphyxiation.
Anyway, 30 minutes later and both of my legs were numb from sitting on the terlet for so long, I figured it was time to go.
I was going to take a picture with my phone, but the damn auto-flush activated. From the different colors of the crap, you could almost tell that it divided by certain meals, almost like reading the rings on a tree.
Did you know that Captain Crunch Berries makes your poop turn green?
Anyway, I just figured I'd share...
This thread is useless without pics
Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
Oh, and this:
Is the next name I'm going to use when I troll some other forum.nose cone of the poop log
I love the out of the closets that will actually sashe' by your desk and just happen upon your newspaper on the way to the can.
"oh, you mind if I look at this?"
Meanwhile, they have been scanning the office for suitable reading material from the first colon gurgle.
Then, they march brazenly right into the bathroom...and incredibly, try to pass the stink laden rag back to you upon exiting the crimescene.
I was always good for a loud "wtf do I want that back for, did you wipe your arse with it too? Get that thing away from my desk"
And I totally had to do the 'Walk Of Shame' after I exited.
Poor Juarez from the maintenance walked in and just shook his head.
The toilet bowl had more skidmarks on it than Daytona.
While the courtesy flush will nto remove the fumes in the air already, it will prevent further fumes from eminating from the NCOTPL.
(Nose Cone Of The Poop Log)
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Welcome to our newest member, Nose Cone of the Poop Log
I had a similar experience once in college.
It started coming out, and just went on and on and....after a while I started realizing this thing was one for the books. I concentrated because I needed my ass to cooperate and not inadvertantly clench up halfway through destroying the project.
When I was done, I looked down it was perfect. The Perfect Cigar. I'm talking epic length, and a diameter that was perfectly even from top to bottom.
I actually called a friend in to check it out.
If the turd is underwater, that usually hides the odor, but once the turd surfaces, even a miniscus, your like "What the eff did i eat?"