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Thread: Die ***** Die

  1. #1
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    Die ***** Die

    I'm a cat guy. Say that up front. Always have been. Grew up with them. Like having them around. I like their independent spirit. They're not needy like dogs. Well, most of them aren't.

    But just like they're not overly sentimental about me, I'm not overly sentimental about them. Cats die. They get disease. They get hit by cars. They get eaten by rats. I accept that. A cat dies, I feel sad, then I move on, get another cat.

    Most cats are generally OK. Some are especially nice. Some are distant. Some are dicks. Like people, they run the gamut. Sometimes you take in a cat who turns out to be a total dick. This sucks, because cats live a long time. Unlike goldfish you can't slip them into your mom's Thanksgiving stuffing...unless you're a cretin, you're stuck with this dick for fifteen years or so. It's actually easier to ditch a bad girlfriend than it is to ditch a bad cat.

    So that's the prequel to today's dilema...

    Three years ago we got a new cat. My son picked it out. I was not there. Possibly had I been I would have recognized the signs of dickdom in this cat and nixed the deal. But as I say I was not there. My wife was. She knows **** about cats. She grew up a Jewish girl in northeast Philly. The closest she ever came to having a pet was the girls with bunny ears in daddy's bathroom reading magazines.

    Anyway, last night I let our dick cat out. Apparently it has not been spotted since. My wife sent me (no lie) 19 emails today expressing her concern over this cat who's been out of sight under 24 hours.

    Now if you know cats you know a 24 hour disappearance is no big deal. Maybe someone else is feeding it. Maybe it got the crap kicked out of it in a fight and is laying low.

    But my (highly controlling) wife does not know this. Thus she is convinced it's dead.

    Which opens an interesting question. Because I hate this cat. It's a fugging dick.

    If it shows up, but nobody sees it but me, how bad would it be if it suffered some sort of "accident." :confused:

  2. #2
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    By "accident" you mean take to a no-kill shelter, right? :D

    Some of my favorite cats have been a-holes cats. My first, that I still have and changed me into a cat person is pretty cuunty, I tell him all the time.

  3. #3
    I get this but how are ya gonna off this cat?

  4. #4
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    Depends on whether or not your wife will want an autopsy. If no, have at it however you want. If yes, be careful.

  5. #5
    Can't reply without being a dick. So won't reply.

  6. #6
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    [QUOTE=FF2;4460291]I get this but how are ya gonna off this cat?[/QUOTE]

    Maybe it was depressed and hung itself with a ball of yarn?

    I'm reaching out to your here.

  7. #7
    I will tell you that my Dad HATED our cat and "found it" dead.

    It used to knock stuff off his bureau at 3:00 am.

    he buried it in the woods behind our house and I swear he was jumping up and down a little on the grave. he said he had to pack down the dirt.

  8. #8
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    [QUOTE=BushyTheBeaver;4460283]I'm a cat guy. [/QUOTE]

    Oh sure you are.

    :rolleyes:


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  9. #9
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    [QUOTE=Warfish;4460299]Can't reply without being a dick. So won't reply.[/QUOTE]

    Never stopped you before.:confused:




    Is this a new stratergy you unearthed in Scotland?







    :D;)


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  10. #10
    [QUOTE=BushyTheBeaver;4460300]Maybe it was depressed and hung itself with a ball of yarn?

    I'm reaching out to your here.[/QUOTE]

    yeah see the method is a problem, you may have nightmares, this cat looking at you like...WTF???

  11. #11
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    [QUOTE=Warfish;4460299]Can't reply without being a dick. So won't reply.[/QUOTE]

    Oh don't be a *****. A cat's life is at stake. (or is it "steak"?)

  12. #12
    [QUOTE=Warfish;4460299]Can't reply without being a dick. So won't reply.[/QUOTE]

    and yet you did. In sort of a dickish way.

    welcome back

  13. #13
    Im on the phone right now with the SPCA they are gonna trace your IP address and show up at your door. :yes:

  14. #14
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    And while she's controlling, IIRC, she does let you noodle wap her in the head in the middle of the night so you can get your somnambulant hump on. If you want her to continue to be good to your dick (especially at odd hours, presented in odd ways), you might could be good to her dick.

    But hey, even if he's a dick, you know I'm gonna be on the pussseys side.

  15. #15
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    [QUOTE=FF2;4460306]yeah see the method is a problem, you may have nightmares, this cat looking at you like...WTF???[/QUOTE]

    Just to put this thing in context, dick cat has a swollen belly like it's about to give birth to octuplets....octo-mom with fur. Why's it so fat? Cuz daily every meal it bullies our other two cats away from their bowls and then scarfs down all their food. Cat on cats violins. You think I'm evil human Waffish. Yer wrong. This is one giant dick of a cat.

  16. #16
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    Not fer button, but if the cat had everything it needed at home, and it hasn't come back in the last day plus, it's already dead.

    Not sure where you live, but where I live cats go missing all the time. We've got coyotes, foxes, hawks, fisher cats, even bears (not sure if they'd eat cats). It's not kosher for cats to be out at night in my neighborhood.

    Also, is your dick cat a male, and not fixed? It is mating season, and he may just be on an extended puzzy hunt.

  17. #17
    Have SouthSide over for weekly dinners and that ***** will never come back.

  18. #18
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    [QUOTE=brady's a catcher;4460315]And while she's controlling, IIRC, she does let you noodle wap her in the head in the middle of the night so you can get your somnambulant hump on. [/QUOTE]

    LOL. Someone's been paying attention. OK, for that alone, I'll call temporarily call off the hit.

    But it doesn't solve the basic problem. I hate this bleeping cat. Plus it treats the other cats like ****.

  19. #19
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    [QUOTE=BushyTheBeaver;4460322]LOL. Someone's been paying attention. OK, for that alone, I'll call temporarily call off the hit.

    But it doesn't solve the basic problem. I hate this bleeping cat. Plus it treats the other cats like ****.[/QUOTE]

    You live near the woods? If so, cats prolly gone. Some other higher on the food chains dinner.

  20. #20
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    [QUOTE=BushyTheBeaver;4460283]I'm a cat guy. Say that up front. Always have been. Grew up with them. Like having them around. I like their independent spirit. They're not needy like dogs. Well, most of them aren't.

    But just like they're not overly sentimental about me, I'm not overly sentimental about them. Cats die. They get disease. They get hit by cars. They get eaten by rats. I accept that. A cat dies, I feel sad, then I move on, get another cat.

    Most cats are generally OK. Some are especially nice. Some are distant. Some are dicks. Like people, they run the gamut. Sometimes you take in a cat who turns out to be a total dick. This sucks, because cats live a long time. Unlike goldfish you can't slip them into your mom's Thanksgiving stuffing...unless you're a cretin, you're stuck with this dick for fifteen years or so. It's actually easier to ditch a bad girlfriend than it is to ditch a bad cat.

    So that's the prequel to today's dilema...

    Three years ago we got a new cat. My son picked it out. I was not there. Possibly had I been I would have recognized the signs of dickdom in this cat and nixed the deal. But as I say I was not there. My wife was. She knows **** about cats. She grew up a Jewish girl in northeast Philly. The closest she ever came to having a pet was the girls with bunny ears in daddy's bathroom reading magazines.

    Anyway, last night I let our dick cat out. Apparently it has not been spotted since. My wife sent me (no lie) 19 emails today expressing her concern over this cat who's been out of sight under 24 hours.

    Now if you know cats you know a 24 hour disappearance is no big deal. Maybe someone else is feeding it. Maybe it got the crap kicked out of it in a fight and is laying low.

    But my (highly controlling) wife does not know this. Thus she is convinced it's dead.

    Which opens an interesting question. Because I hate this cat. It's a fugging dick.

    If it shows up, but nobody sees it but me, how bad would it be if it suffered some sort of "accident." :confused:[/QUOTE]

    Not to worry. It's coyote food by now.

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