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Thread: I've got a hemroid like you read about, fruitcakes!

  1. #1
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    I've got a hemroid like you read about, fruitcakes!

    This thing is like a stubby, fatty little fist and it's making empty my bag a real problem. I just got back from 5 days at the in-laws, eating mostly home cooked Indian food, so I'm expecting extended bag-emptying sessions for a fee days.

  2. #2
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    Thanks for sharing.

  3. #3
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    Hemmorhoid. Just sayin'.

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    Here's what you do;

    Heat up a sewing needle over an open flame until the tip is white hot.
    That disinfects it.

    Then, squat over a large mirror, reach down there and pop it. You may want to put a bowl down there to catch the drippings.

    Thank me later, and keep us informed.

    -

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by 32green View Post
    Here's what you do;

    Heat up a sewing needle over an open flame until the tip is white hot.
    That disinfects it.

    Then, squat over a large mirror, reach down there and pop it. You may want to put a bowl down there to catch the drippings.

    Thank me later, and keep us informed.

    -
    Is this a salsa recipe? Please put in Stokes' Mongloid pork chops thread

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    Quote Originally Posted by jetswin View Post
    Is this a salsa recipe? Please put in Stokes' Mongloid pork chops thread
    It ends as one, if he aims right.

    win win


    -

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by 32green View Post
    Here's what you do;

    Heat up a sewing needle over an open flame until the tip is white hot.
    That disinfects it.

    Then, squat over a large mirror, reach down there and pop it. You may want to put a bowl down there to catch the drippings.

    Thank me later, and keep us informed.

    -


  8. #8
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    Question

    Was it the smoked turkey?

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by 32green View Post
    Here's what you do;

    Heat up a sewing needle over an open flame until the tip is white hot.
    That disinfects it.

    Then, squat over a large mirror, reach down there and pop it. You may want to put a bowl down there to catch the drippings.

    Thank me later, and keep us informed.

    -
    Quote Originally Posted by jetswin View Post
    Is this a salsa recipe? Please put in Stokes' Mongloid pork chops thread
    Quote Originally Posted by 32green View Post
    It ends as one, if he aims right.

    win win


    -
    I just wretched with a belly full of morning coffee.

    Well done.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by 32green View Post
    Here's what you do;

    Heat up a sewing needle over an open flame until the tip is white hot.
    That disinfects it.

    Then, squat over a large mirror, reach down there and pop it. You may want to put a bowl down there to catch the drippings.

    Thank me later, and keep us informed.

    -

    And people say the Hampur is no place to come for medical advice. This is food for thought, as I was just gonna reach down and squeeze it manually till it popped like a grape.

  11. #11
    You guys are disgusting

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by brady's a catcher View Post
    And people say the Hampur is no place to come for medical advice. This is food for thought, as I was just gonna reach down and squeeze it manually till it popped like a grape.
    Why not just reach down there and tuck it back in to place? Re-seat the O-ring, if you will?


    And then wipe the grin off your face.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Big L View Post
    Why not just reach down there and tuck it back in to place? Re-seat the O-ring, if you will?


    And then wipe the grin off your face.

    It's just so obtrusive I can't get a quality wipe.

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    Quote Originally Posted by jetswin View Post
    Is this a salsa recipe? Please put in Stokes' Mongloid pork chops thread



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    Quote Originally Posted by brady's a catcher View Post
    It's just so obtrusive I can't get a quality wipe.
    The 'roid is on your face?

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    If 32's solution doesn't work you can also try toothpaste. It takes like a whole tube but just squirt it right up there. The relief will be immediate but try to leave it there for six to ten hours to eliminate swelling. You have to use real toothpaste like Colgate or Crest. Dave of Main's Crunchy Grano la Rabbi t Paste won't work and may make it worse. Don't use Preparation H, it"s a scam.

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by BushyTheBeaver View Post
    If 32's solution doesn't work you can also try toothpaste. It takes like a whole tube but just squirt it right up there. The relief will be immediate but try to leave it there for six to ten hours to eliminate swelling. You have to use real toothpaste like Colgate or Crest. Dave of Main's Crunchy Grano la Rabbi t Paste won't work and may make it worse. Don't use Preparation H, it"s a scam.
    and as a bonus your ass will be minty fresh and pearly white!

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    Quote Originally Posted by jetswin View Post
    and as a bonus your ass will be minty fresh and pearly white!
    So... this replaces other methods of anal bleaching?

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    Quote Originally Posted by jetswin View Post
    Is this a salsa recipe? Please put in Stokes' Mongloid pork chops thread
    Very large hemmaroids HAVE been mistaken for hanging figs.

    Makes a nice glaze, or as an accoutrement for pizza with pancetta and goat cheese.

    _

  20. #20
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    This entire thread makes me want to vom.

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