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Thread: Why Your Team Sucks 2012: New York Jets

  1. #1
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    Why Your Team Sucks 2012: New York Jets

    Dunno if this was already posted and I had to share this, it's funny as hell.

    Some people are fans of the New York Jets. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Jets. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here.

    1. Behold the terrifying visage of the Sanchbow. Whenever I think of the Jets' quarterback situation, I remember the old quote from Dennis Miller (back when Dennis Miller was funny): "Hey folks, two of **** is ****. If they really wanna **** you, they'll give you three of these things." If you woke up a coma patient who had been asleep for the past four years, plunked him down in front of the TV, and had him watch footage of Mark Sanchez, this would be the ensuing conversation:

    COMA GUY: Hey, he looks OK for a rookie.

    YOU: No, no. This is his fourth year in the league.

    COMA GUY: **** off, really? OW MY BED SORES

    Mark Sanchez making the AFC title game in his first two years is akin to you letting your kids win at Connect Four twice in a row. It's really cute to watch, but then it's finally time to DROP THE HAMMER. He's not a real quarterback. He'd be awesome at being an actor PLAYING a quarterback, but as an actual quarterback, he looks like a boy among men.
    Unless you're comparing him with the quarterback who'll end up replacing him four weeks into the season. I mean, honestly, look at this ****ing guy try to throw a football.

    I've said it before and I'll say it again: Every time Tim Tebow throws the ball, it looks like a fake punt. Tim Tebow is the guy you put in at QB after the three quarterbacks on your roster have all had their legs broken. He's the long snapper you turn to only because the punter is hiding under the bench somewhere. The Broncos got back into the playoffs last season thanks to a nasty defense, a great offensive line, and a coaching staff that was smart enough to minimize Tebow's straight dropbacks. And yet, any time he won a game, five million Promise Keepers would show up online to be like GOD IS TALKING THROUGH TIM TEBOW'S RUGGED BEARD STUBBLE or something horrible like that.

    Tim Tebow isn't a quarterback. He's a sideshow. He's a cheesy traveling big-tent revival that whips the locals into a gibbering frenzy before he blows town with all the money and all the blonde virgins. This is the year that Tebow's game breaks down completely; by spring he will be welcomed with open arms by ESPN to be a College Gameday analyst. It's what Jesus wants. For real. If Jesus watches Tebow overthrow another out route, He'll tear His hair out.

    2. They're so, so ****ed. It says a lot about the Jets as an organization when they import both Tim Tebow and Tony Sparano to implement the Wildcat offense, an offense that the rest of the NFL solved FOUR ****ING YEARS AGO. This organization has no earthly idea what it's doing. Woody Johnson will just throw any ****ty idea at the wall and go with it if he thinks he can get on the back page of the Post by doing it. You can smell the desperation as they attempt, in vain, to match the prestige and success of the Giants. It's pathetic. The Jets are the Redskins of the AFC.

    I've never seen a team whose implosion could so clearly be foreseen going into the season. Do you have any faith that the Jets will un**** themselves this season? Of course you don't. At KSK, we spent the last three years or so making Rex Ryan into our own private folk hero, but even I know his time is up. For two years, Ryan walked a fine line between genius motivator and circus clown, and last year he tripped over that line and foot****ed his way into losing the team for good. There's no getting the team back. Sanchez hates him. Santonio Holmes, who is worthless, has no respect for him. The front office will surely undermine him at some point and force him to start Tebow after a slow start. He isn't gonna last past Week 12, and that will be a sad day for us all. No more steaks and blowjobs after that. I hope he steals Jon Gruden's job.

    -Drew Magary

    http://deadspin.com/5938121/why-your...-new-york-jets

  2. #2
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    Drew Magary is Brandon Jacobs pen name. I'd sure he had help with the spelling.

  3. #3
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    when does it get to the funny part?


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    tough crowd.

  5. #5
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    You guys should consider that Deadspin.com did 20+ other teams before getting to the Jets. It is a weekly column that is pretty hilarious. You get to hear the best of the rants from fans about their teams.

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    I didn't find it funny

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gata View Post
    I didn't find it funny

  9. #9
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    Does the OP have a picture of an anus in his avatar?


  10. #10
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    Protip: When someone says something is funny, it's usually not. This is no different.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by crossfire View Post
    LOLOLOLOL.............now THAT is funny.

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    Quote Originally Posted by crossfire View Post
    we look alike !

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    Quote Originally Posted by PlumberKhan View Post
    Does the OP have a picture of an anus in his avatar?

    If so, that is some serious trunkbutt!

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by PatriotReign View Post
    LOLOLOLOL.............now THAT is funny.
    This.

    Man I hate my sig. Time to 86 this pink *****.

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    Quote Originally Posted by crossfire View Post
    choking on a sandwich here.... holy **** LMFAO

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gata View Post
    I didn't find it funny
    +1

    This thread is epic in its lameness.

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Frequent Flyer View Post
    tough crowd.
    No it just wasn't funny.

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