Why Your Team Sucks 2012: New York Jets
Drew Magary View ProfileEmailTwitterRSSSome people are fans of the New York Jets. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Jets. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here.
1. Behold the terrifying visage of the Sanchbow. Whenever I think of the Jets' quarterback situation, I remember the old quote from Dennis Miller (back when Dennis Miller was funny): "Hey folks, two of **** is ****. If they really wanna **** you, they'll give you three of these things." If you woke up a coma patient who had been asleep for the past four years, plunked him down in front of the TV, and had him watch footage of Mark Sanchez, this would be the ensuing conversation:
COMA GUY: Hey, he looks OK for a rookie.
YOU: No, no. This is his fourth year in the league.
COMA GUY: **** off, really? OW MY BED SORES
Mark Sanchez making the AFC title game in his first two years is akin to you letting your kids win at Connect Four twice in a row. It's really cute to watch, but then it's finally time to DROP THE HAMMER. He's not a real quarterback. He'd be awesome at being an actor PLAYING a quarterback, but as an actual quarterback, he looks like a boy among men.
Unless you're comparing him with the quarterback who'll end up replacing him four weeks into the season. I mean, honestly, look at this ****ing guy try to throw a football.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Every time Tim Tebow throws the ball, it looks like a fake punt. Tim Tebow is the guy you put in at QB after the three quarterbacks on your roster have all had their legs broken. He's the long snapper you turn to only because the punter is hiding under the bench somewhere. The Broncos got back into the playoffs last season thanks to a nasty defense, a great offensive line, and a coaching staff that was smart enough to minimize Tebow's straight dropbacks. And yet, any time he won a game, five million Promise Keepers would show up online to be like GOD IS TALKING THROUGH TIM TEBOW'S RUGGED BEARD STUBBLE or something horrible like that.
Tim Tebow isn't a quarterback. He's a sideshow. He's a cheesy traveling big-tent revival that whips the locals into a gibbering frenzy before he blows town with all the money and all the blonde virgins. This is the year that Tebow's game breaks down completely; by spring he will be welcomed with open arms by ESPN to be a College Gameday analyst. It's what Jesus wants. For real. If Jesus watches Tebow overthrow another out route, He'll tear His hair out.
2. They're so, so ****ed. It says a lot about the Jets as an organization when they import both Tim Tebow and Tony Sparano to implement the Wildcat offense, an offense that the rest of the NFL solved FOUR ****ING YEARS AGO. This organization has no earthly idea what it's doing. Woody Johnson will just throw any ****ty idea at the wall and go with it if he thinks he can get on the back page of the Post by doing it. You can smell the desperation as they attempt, in vain, to match the prestige and success of the Giants. It's pathetic. The Jets are the Redskins of the AFC.
I've never seen a team whose implosion could so clearly be foreseen going into the season. Do you have any faith that the Jets will un**** themselves this season? Of course you don't. At KSK, we spent the last three years or so making Rex Ryan into our own private folk hero, but even I know his time is up. For two years, Ryan walked a fine line between genius motivator and circus clown, and last year he tripped over that line and foot****ed his way into losing the team for good. There's no getting the team back. Sanchez hates him. Santonio Holmes, who is worthless, has no respect for him. The front office will surely undermine him at some point and force him to start Tebow after a slow start. He isn't gonna last past Week 12, and that will be a sad day for us all. No more steaks and blowjobs after that. I hope he steals Jon Gruden's job.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. LaRon Landry AHAHAHAHA. LaRon Landry has really big arms, which totally make him look awesome any time he whiffs on a hit or lets a receiver get 20 yards behind him.
4. "Show us your tits!" Jets fans are the kind of dumb**** Long Island steakheads who take special pride in being dumb**** Long Island steakheads. When a Jets fan is screaming at your wife to take her top off in front of everyone on the stadium concourse, he is exhibiting a bizarre kind of cultural pride. Jets fans LIKE being the kind of people that menace women, scream racial epithets at nearby Mexicans, and get kicked out of bars for pissing on the jukebox. They're fully aware of just how awful they are, and they take great pleasure in it. They're horrible. I hope every Jets fan loses his day job making sandwiches.