In my dream, I was living the movie Back To The Future.
I was talking to my friend Doc about the Jets. Over 40 years as a Jets fan... it was finally killing me.
Doc was a Jets fan too. He understood.
Then he started to tell me about this time machine he had. It was a Delorean and he could send me back in time and I could tell myself not to be a Jets fan. And I could save my wife and boys from being one too!!!
He was showing me a scale model he had built and was explaining how it worked. Something about a remote control and lightning hitting the clock tower, 88 mph. I was skeptical to say the least.
I mean, it's 2012... who the f*ck still has a Delorean anyway???
Well apparently, Doc did! With Jets plates no less!!!
That night, Doc decided to give his time machine a test. I decided to watch so I could laugh at him when it failed.
He set the remote control and suddenly...
lightning struck the clock tower the car began to move. I was more than a little surprised.
I quickly went to work. I found my way back to my old house in Connecticut. I knocked on the door and my mother answered the door. For a moment, I was stunned. There was my mother as she looked 42 years ago. But I had no time to reminisce about the past.
I told her I had a flat tire and asked if they had a jack I could use. They were getting ready to have Christmas dinner. It was nice to see my parents so young again. My aunt was there too. As my father went to the garage to get a jack, my mother and my aunt went about fixing dinner.
I had work to do. I turned and suddenly... there I was!
I told myself to loosen up a bit. Relax for crying out loud!
Then I pulled out a Steelers shirt I had brought from the future. I offered it to little crossfire. But he started saying something about Joe Namath and loving green. I begged my young self to switch shirts. But being the little sh*t I always was, I would not listen.
There was no time...
I had to act...
I thought, "It's not really child abuse if it's really just you hitting yourself, is it????"
And knowing it was truly in my best interest, I punched my boyhood self right in the face.
As the young me collapsed to the floor, I quickly switched the Jets shirt and replaced it with the Steelers shirt.
Then I quickly grabbed the other Jets presents and was about to leave when my aunt started screaming. I started yelling back at her for being evil when my father entered the room with a baseball bat.
I ran for my life.
Using Doc's directions, I managed to get the time machine to take me back to 2012.
I raced home. When I got there, I saw a Steelers license plate on my car. When i got in the house, I noticed a set of Steelers Lombardi Trophy ornaments on the Christmas tree. I was getting so excited.
But I knew what I had to do. I ran into my room and grabbed the photo album. I flipped back toward the beginning and there it was...
Me in a Steelers shirt as a child!!! With the black eye that I had given myself!!!
My long night mare was over. Life was good. I knew everything was going to be...
It took me a second to realize what was going on. And then I realized my 5 year old had just jumped on me as I lay in my bed.