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Thread: "men of a certain age...."

  1. #1
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    "men of a certain age...."

    "must have colonoscopies done", said my doctor today.

    I guess I should be happy I didn't get the 2 Finger Salute, but damn.

    Why can't they come up with something non-invasive? What's wrong with them?!

  2. #2
    JT gets them done quarterly.

    He'll convince the Dr that he's just being routine with his checkups.

    We know better.

  3. #3
    R.I.P. Quantam's ass.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by southside View Post
    JT gets them done quarterly.
    Things also insists on "Extra invasive", and brings along various items "as a suggestion".

    -

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by southside View Post
    JT gets them done quarterly.

    He'll convince the Dr that he's just being routine with his checkups.

    We know better.
    Quote Originally Posted by 32green View Post
    Things also insists on "Extra invasive", and brings along various items "as a suggestion".

    -
    Wrong. Things is old school and does not condone the light anesthesia associated with "new fangled" (his words) procedures such as colonoscopies.

    Instead, he prefers to be fully awake for a rigid sigmoidoscopy, as he feels most like "himself" in the Sims' position.

  6. #6
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    LOL @ JT when he reads this thread.

    "Shut yer FOOK up! "




  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by southside View Post
    JT gets them done quarterly.

    He'll convince the Dr that he's just being routine with his checkups.

    We know better.
    Quote Originally Posted by Fishooked View Post
    LOL @ JT when he reads this thread.

    "Shut yer FOOK up! "



    Who's JT???

  8. #8
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    I am now on the two year cycle. Had 4 polyps removed, two benign, two pre cancerous. Had a 54 year old cousin who passed away in December cuz we was to "proud" to have the "rectal exam"

    Guys and girls PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't **** around with this. Go get it done. It isn't that bad!! And it gives you fodder for many days of jokes after!!

  9. #9
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    Sorry guys.... I over reacted here. The invasiveness is hardly noticeable except for the annoying prep. I was asleep the whole time, took a nice nap in the afternoon... all in all relatively painless

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    Quote Originally Posted by Guitarjet View Post
    Sorry guys.... I over reacted here. The invasiveness is hardly noticeable except for the annoying prep. I was asleep the whole time, took a nice nap in the afternoon... all in all relatively painless
    It was just like your average Tuesday, right?

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    Prep was the absolute worst. I quit counting bathroom visits at 13. And it was far from over.

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    Quote Originally Posted by chesapeakejet View Post
    Prep was the absolute worst. I quit counting bathroom visits at 13. And it was far from over.
    Right, I'm due, actually over due for #2, procedure that is.

  13. #13
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    Mods please merge w/ the "oscopy" corner

    For the timid:



    Last edited by Jungle Shift Jet; 02-12-2013 at 10:21 PM.

  14. #14
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    This thread makes me sad.



  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Guitarjet View Post
    I am now on the two year cycle. Had 4 polyps removed, two benign, two pre cancerous. Had a 54 year old cousin who passed away in December cuz we was to "proud" to have the "rectal exam"

    Guys and girls PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't **** around with this. Go get it done. It isn't that bad!! And it gives you fodder for many days of jokes after!!
    Same exact story here.

    The night before is far worse than the actual procedure. Ugh. But do it anyway. Better than leaving this earth.

  16. #16
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    This article from Dave Barry is great, especially if you have already had a colonoscopy.

    Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug.. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by quantum View Post
    "must have colonoscopies done", said my doctor today.

    I guess I should be happy I didn't get the 2 Finger Salute, but damn.

    Why can't they come up with something non-invasive? What's wrong with them?!
    Every year I get a little vial that I have to fill with a big...waitaminute - this is a public forum.


    What kind of show is this, anyway?

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by crossfire View Post
    This article from Dave Barry is great, especially if you have already had a colonoscopy.

    Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug.. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

    Ha ha, yes, this pretty much nails it. The worst part about this whole thing is being in the waiting room with other like colonoscopy-prepped patients, and all of you having to use the bathroom at the same time.

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