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Thread: 13 reasons to vote for Bush

  1. #1
    Tom The Nader Fan™
    13 reasons to vote for Bush

    Posted: March 8, 2004
    1:00 a.m. Eastern

    © 2004

    Here are 13 things that play into the president's favor this November:

    1. Pride in the United States Armed Forces

    About 228 years ago, a people who were tired of living under a faraway king's laws, taxes and fruity-looking powdered wigs, sacrificed their lives, and in many cases, fortunes, and staged a daring fight for independence. That fight continues, with the U.S. military at the forefront.

    There is no whining by the U.S. military. There is no pomp and circumstance. There are no flagrantly overexaggerated marches, like the limp-wristed goose-step and other "Chorus Line-ish" promenades that prove nothing other than that particular army is from a nation that is led by a sociopathic control freak who is a wannabe Broadway director – just good, old-fashioned, patriotic, selfless sacrifice and love of country combined with skill and dedication. The military respects Bush, and the citizens respect the military – with the possible exception of those poltroonish critics who wag a finger at them in disgust, but always stay close enough to hide behind them in case trouble starts.

    2. Laura

    The first lady is classy, bright and doesn't try to tinker with things with which she's completely unfamiliar (for her predecessor, health care and faithful husbands come to mind). Laura has brought dignity, grace and a distinct lack of black eyes back to the White House. This should continue.

    When the Bushes leave office, Laura will leave the place the way she found it, and not looking like a hotel room after a three-night stay by the Sex Pistols. Laura Bush will also not degrade the majesty of the White House by stealing a good portion of it.

    George W.'s mother, Barbara, is also worthy of a mention here. A president with a solid and commonsensical mother is of utmost importance. Barbara Bush is my kind of woman. Somebody who looks like she knows her way around a kitchen and loves her family more than anything else, but you still get the feeling that she could hold her own in a bar fight.

    3. The "dumb" factor

    Bush's opponents occasionally portray him as a dunderheaded lightweight. A political buffoon whose daddy and Cheney do all the thinking, and a man who mangles words as if his brain takes the dictionary and tosses it into a woodchipper every time he opens his mouth. Believe it or not, this plays to Bush's advantage.

    Sure, he says words like "nook-yoo-lar" and "misunderestimate," but that's no reason to disunderlike him. The real hilarity comes from those political opponents who not only try to portray Bush as stupid, but from those who actually believe it. The smart opponent of Bush will realize that he's a bright guy. I'm not sure that John Kerry's "Parisian giving a lost American directions" style pomposity will make him appear intellectually superior, and he'll fall into the same trap that many others have.

    4. Iraq

    Saddam Hussein has power no more. The mad ruler who had more body doubles than Cher at a "La Cage Aux Folle" film festival in San Francisco's Castro District – and taste in decor so decadent and gaudy that his choice of interior design reminded one of a hayseed who just won the Powerball Lotto – can torture and kill no more.

    The perverted butcher in a snappy fedora is gone, thanks to Bush and the greatest military on the planet. Other despots in the world are taking note, and most are endorsing John Kerry for president.

    5. Hollywood

    Sure, there are some people there who like Bush, but for the most part, they're fewer and farther between than Calista Flockhart's meals. Most of Hollywood hates President Bush. He makes their hands shake in anger to the point where it creates surfable Doppler waves in their Evian. To them, Bush is single-handedly stripping away all freedoms in this land – except, apparently, the freedom to make some really lousy movies and TV shows.

    Hollywood is full of walking oxymorons – the wealthy bankrupt, the mansioned homeless, the environmentalist polluters, the fantasy-world realists and those in gated neighborhoods who are "at one with nature." Many of them are focusing all their attention – and any spare resources not already dedicated to the upkeep of 10,000 square foot estates – to getting rid of the president. Hey, if George W. Bush is making them focus their attention on him, and not on making any more unwatchable sitcoms, he's a great president and should be a shoo-in for re-election.

    6. Al Gore

    In early 2000, Al Gore started out OK in his race against George W. Bush. Later, in one debate, he wore so much makeup that the only comments even the staunchest of his supporters could muster were something along the lines of the mournfully positive fib heard at funeral homes: "They did a good job on Pop, didn't they?" It's been all downhill for him since. After the election, depression set in, and Gore started looking like he was trying out for the role of Mr. French in the Broadway version of "A Family Affair."

    Later, Gore threw his endorsement to Dean. Shortly after that, Howard screeched out the shrill mating call of the "calamity warbler" and solidified his place in history as the William Hung of presidential candidates. Now, Gore's the one cranking up the volume of his voice – also out of sheer frustration. He recently called Bush a "moral coward," among other things. In the morning, however, Gore can do nothing more than look into the mirror and see himself turning into Willy Loman right before his very eyes. Al Gore serves as a daily reminder that the right man is sitting in the White House.

    7. Canuck contempt

    According to a poll conducted by Maclean's magazine, only 15 percent of Canadians would vote for George W. Bush. This is a good thing because Canadians will stay put. Thanks to Bush, there won't soon be U.S. politicians angling to woo yet another bloc of voters – in this case, Canadian-Americans. This would most likely lead to more mounted police, and national holidays to celebrate the births of Wayne Gretzky and Shania Twain.

    Nothing against Canada or it's citizens, they're great folks, but I just figure that we were nice enough to take Celine Dion off their hands, so they should appreciate it and leave it at that. At least Canadians seem to be familiar with Bush. I'd be willing to bet that less than 15 percent of Americans can even name Canada's prime minister. Hey, who is Canada's prime minister?

    8. Physical conditioning

    Bush runs, swims and lifts weights on a regular basis. The president continues forward with an impressive health regimen, making him one of the most physically fit presidents ever. His cholesterol levels and resting heart are rate low, making him more capable of handling stressful situations.

    This makes him look great up against some of the more hefty in Congress, who run, but only to the bathroom, and do 20 reps a day on a vodka tonic. Those with pants that are tailor-made from old Army bivouac tents look bad in comparison. If you stand outside the Senate office building and watch two lawmakers try to split a cab, occasionally, you'll see them do exactly that. As for the Massachusetts senator and presidential wannabe, in a foot race, I'd take Bush over Kerry's "jogging porter" any day.

    9. United Nations

    Bush has no problem making the United Nations out to be what they really are – the Wile E. Coyote of international organizations. The large collection of bureaucratic dorks, Euro-wimps, Third World finger pointers, America bashers and globalist pantywaists that comprise the United Nations are perfect fodder for Bush's Texas style. They're not compatible, and that's a good thing. The United Nations is more of a Clintonesque organization, because they are a group of people who look as if they would actually relish the opportunity to spend a weekend debating the meaning of the word "is."

    In 2001, Kofi Annan and the United Nations won the Nobel prize. The following year, the prize was awarded to Jimmy Carter. One more wishy-washy winner and the Nobel folks can begin marketing their "Great Appeasers" line of "Precious Moments" figurines.

    10. Jimmy Carter

    With a former president like Carter running around and acting as a stark reminder of a time when we were burdened by stagflation, "general malaise," a brother named Billy and disco, Bush suddenly seems Godlike.

    Carter still gets a rush out of hob-hobnobbing with communist dictators – something Bush doesn't much care for. Carter occasionally goes to Cuba to discuss trade embargoes, human rights, the release of political prisoners, and the possibility of free elections, while Castro must get annoyed because you know he only invited Jimmy down to build a treehouse for Elian Gonzales. Carter's a great human being, but was a lousy president, making Bush seem that much better. Thanks, Jimmah.

    11. Ketchup cash

    John Kerry's wife is worth a half a billion dollars, thanks to the Heinz ketchup fortune. If Kerry's elected, don't be surprised if the war on terror ceases, and the new "Axis of Evil" turns out to be Hunt's, Del Monte and any company that makes that "catsup" stuff. In any case, Teresa Heinz Kerry pulls down a few hundred mil, meanwhile, her husband earns just over a hundred grand from his Senate job – barely enough to pay the gardeners. Say what you want about Bush, but at least he's the breadwinner of his family.

    Kerry wouldn't have any qualms about having to be the breadwinner, it's just that for his entire adult life, thanks to rich wives, he's been allowed to stay on a low-carb diet.

    12. Cool stunts

    Things like throwing out the first pitch at a baseball game while still on an extremely heightened terror alert, suddenly showing up at the Baghdad airport for Thanksgiving grub with military men and women, and sticking a landing on an aircraft carrier make us feel good about the president.

    Bush landing on the USS Abraham Lincoln was a particularly defining moment in his presidency, and continues to drive his opponents crazy – especially those like Ted Kennedy, who are far more likely to hit the water than the deck. Also, Bush's headgear fit. Thanks to unfortunate precedent set by Mike Dukakis, you'll never in a million years see another Democratic candidate wearing a helmet. Kerry certainly wouldn't do it, because it would totally ruin his hairdo.

    13. Traditional marriage

    Those of us who believe that the word "marriage" is, by definition, something that can only be engaged in by a man and a woman – complaining about how much football he watches – appreciate President Bush's stance on the protection of the traditional institution of marriage. Leftist courts deciding which moral course this nation will take is a scary prospect – another reason to vote for Bush.

    These very courts should also consider the ramifications of their decisions in this matter, for their dockets may soon be full of cases in which they must preside over what will turn out to be the downfall of the very idea of homosexual marriage – arguments over figuring out whose father has to pay for the reception.

    Best of luck to you, President Bush. If you need anything this election season, just holler. I'll be the one watching C-Span and laughing hysterically.

  2. #2
    All League
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    In order for George Bush to win this election he has to beat John Kerry.

    In order for John Kerry to win this election he has to beat George Bush, Ralph Nader, the Democrats who are willing to wait and (attempt to) run Hillary in 2008, and overall voter apathy in the Democratic party. Kerry is a pro-war candidate - most Democrats are anti-war.


  3. #3
    Tom The Nader Fan™
    Originally posted by AlbanyJet@Jul 30 2004, 08:04 AM
    In order for George Bush to win this election he has to beat John Kerry.

    In order for John Kerry to win this election he has to beat George Bush, Ralph Nader, the Democrats who are willing to wait and (attempt to) run Hillary in 2008, and overall voter apathy in the Democratic party. Kerry is a pro-war candidate - most Democrats are anti-war.

    Yeah but Ben Affleck likes him.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Has Kerry even come out and said he's anti-war or is he on both sides on that issue as well? I didn't really watch too much of the convention, did they say much about the war?

  5. #5
    Originally posted by GangGreen11269@Aug 1 2004, 01:48 AM
    Has Kerry even come out and said he's anti-war or is he on both sides on that issue as well? I didn't really watch too much of the convention, did they say much about the war?
    Kerry has not openly come out against the war. His stated position is that we have to finish what we started. Of course he well known for flip flopping on the issues so its really impossible to tell what he'll do.

  6. #6
    Tom The Nader Fan™
    It will take a sustained attack on Kerry's liberal 20-year defense voting record to bring his public image more in line with reality. By my calculations, his 5,221-word speech contained exactly 71 words about his 20-year Senate career. John wants us to ignore that, but he wants us to know that he once administered CPR to a hamster.

    Kerry's record on defense and intelligence is devoid of accomplishment and includes voting against every major weapon system we use today. And as for reporting for duty on intelligence issues — during Kerry's eight years of duty on the Senate's Select Committee on Intelligence, there were 49 open, public hearings. How many did Kerry attend? Eleven (just 22.4 percent).

    One of those that he missed was that of June 8, 2000, when there was a hearing on the report of the National Commission on Terrorism.

    Seems that hamster got more focused attention from John Kerry than the nation's intelligence.

    It's good that after all these years John Kerry is ready to serve. But why isn't any of the mainstream media holding the Kerry Democrats accountable for their records of raising taxes and cutting defense?
    The economy is growing. Iraq is stabilizing. But some people don't personally like George Bush and they are taking Kerry on face value, believing he will strengthen the military and cut taxes.

    They have no idea about his record.

    The establishment media is gushing and allowing Kerry to frame the issues and rewrite his record and the facts to win the middle. The stakes for the Republican convention in New York are high politically, but they have never been higher for the security and future of the United States.


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