If this is too offensive to some people I truly apologize but I could not resist posting it. I just finished reading it at work and I had to close the door on my office because some of the doctors and patients were staring at me. If this is deemed unsuitable then feel free to lock it up or toss it out but I hope you all enjoy. I took the liberty of editing out some of the profanity if that helps.
Cybersex gone wrong. Even if it's made up, it's damn funny.
> Bloodninja:Wanna cyber?
> DirtyKateK, but don't tell anybody ;-) DirtyKate:Who are you?
> Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
> Bloodninja:And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my
> Geo Storm.
> DirtyKate:You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
> Bloodninja:Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and
> DirtyKate: Haha! OK
> DirtyKate:Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping
> with sauce.
> Bloodninja:Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's,
> I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make
> your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
> DirtyKate:I want everything, baby!
> Bloodninja:Is this a delivery?
> DirtyKate:So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home
> alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
> Bloodninja:Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then
> I'll drive to your house.
> DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
> Bloodninja:You can't hurry good pizza.
> Bloodninja:I'm on my way now though
> DirtyKate:So you're at my front door now.
> Bloodninja:How did you know?
> Bloodninja:I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower.
> So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
> Bloodninja:Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza
> oven DirtyKateooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold.
> me up baby
> Bloodninja:So you're still in the bathroom?
> DirtyKate:Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
> Bloodninja:I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip
> my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan
> in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce
> is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the
> I exit through the front door....
> DirtyKate:What the f**k?
> DirtyKate:You perverted piece of s**t
> bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep
> it ready for you.
> j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
> bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
> j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
> j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
> bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are
> in my breeding territory.
> j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
> j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
> bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
> j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the
> bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They ******* charge your ***.
> j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
> bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to
> charge your ***.
> bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
> j_gurli3: thats it.
> bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some
> phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as
> skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red
> ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
> bloodninja: **** am I hard now.
> sweet17: Hi
> bloodninja: hello
> bloodninja: who is this?
> sweet17: just a someone?
> bloodninja: A someone I know?
> sweet17: nope
> bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
> sweet17: well sorrrrrry
> sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
> bloodninja: why?
> sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
> bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
> sweet17: yes?
> bloodninja: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
> sweet17: paranoid?
> bloodninja: yes
> sweet17: of what?
> sweet17: me?
> bloodninja: No. I'm in hiding.
> sweet17: LOL
> bloodninja: Don't ******* laugh at me!
> bloodninja: This **** is serious!
> sweet17: What are you hiding from?
> bloodninja: The cops.
> sweet17: gimme a ******* break
> bloodninja: I'm serious.
> sweet17: I don't get it
> bloodninja: The cops are after me.
> sweet17: For what?
> bloodninja: I'm wanted in three states
> sweet17: For???
> bloodninja: It's kindof embarrasing.
> bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
> bloodninja: Hello?
> sweet17: You are ******* sick.
> bloodninja: Send me your picture.
> sweet17: why?
> bloodninja: so I know you aren't one of them.
> sweet17: One of what?
> bloodninja: The cops.
> sweet17: I'm not a cop i told you
> bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
> sweet17: hold on
> bloodninja: Hurry up.
> bloodninja: Are you there?
> bloodninja: **** you, cop!
> sweet17: Hey sorry
> sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
> bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
> bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
> bloodninja: Weren't you!?
> sweet17: thats not it
> bloodninja: Then what?
> sweet17: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
> bloodninja: Most cops aren't
> sweet17: IM NOT A ******* COP YOU ********!
> bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
> sweet17: fine. What's your e-mail?
> bloodninja: Just send it through here.
> sweet17: alright *PIC*
> sweet17: Did you get it?
> bloodninja: Hold on. I'm looking.
> sweet17: That was me back in may
> sweet17: I've lost weight since then.
> bloodninja: I hope so
> sweet17: what?!?
> sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
> bloodninja: Did it?
> sweet17: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
> bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
> sweet17: yes
> bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
> sweet17: kks
> bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
> sweet17: this isn't you.
> bloodninja: I'll be damned if it ain't!
> sweet17: You don't look like that.
> bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
> sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
> bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
> bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
> sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
> bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
> bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
> sweet17: Go **** yourself
> bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
> bloodninja: Now my unit won't get hard for a week.
> sweet17: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
> sweet17: You've done nothing but slam me.
> sweet17: you hurt me.
> bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
> sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
> bloodninja: Why would I do that?
> sweet17: I can't believe that cops are after you
> bloodninja: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
> sweet17: **** YOU!!!
> bloodninja: You'd break both of his legs.
> sweet17: You're a ******* *******!
> sweet17: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
> sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
> bloodninja: Ok. I'm sorry.
> sweet17: No you aren't
> bloodninja: You're right. I'm not.
> bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
> sweet17: I'm done with you
> bloodninja: Aww. I'm sorry.
> sweet17: I'm putting you on ignore
> bloodninja: Wait a sec
> bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
> bloodninja: Wanna start over?
> sweet17: No
> bloodninja: I'll eat your kitty
> sweet17: You'll what?
> bloodninja: You heard me.
> bloodninja: I said I'd eat your kitty.
> sweet17: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my
> bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
> sweet17: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
> bloodninja: Well I'm not like most men.
> bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
> sweet17: Like what?
> bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
> sweet17: I don't know
> bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no.
> sweet17: I'm afraid to
> bloodninja: Why?
> sweet17: cause
> bloodninja: cause why?
> sweet17: well lets see
> sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you
> eat me out
> sweet17: doesn't that seem strange to you?
> bloodninja: Nope
> sweet17: well its strange to me
> bloodninja: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
> sweet17: I didn't say that
> bloodninja: So is that a yes?
> sweet17: I guess so.
> bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
> bloodninja: Are you willing?
> sweet17: What do you need me to do?
> bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
> bloodninja: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
> bloodninja: ok?
> bloodninja: Hello?
> sweet17: You can't be serious
> bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
> bloodninja: It's my fantasy.
> sweet17: this is retarded
> bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
> sweet17: Yes I want it.
> bloodninja: Then you'll do it for me?
> sweet17: sure
> bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
> bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs.
> bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up
> against them
> bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty.
> bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth ****.
> sweet17: mmmm yeah
> bloodninja: uh oh ...going limp.
> sweet17: Har
> bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
> bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
> sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
> bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with
> bloodninja: I softly suck on your **** bringing it in and out of my mouth.
> bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way
> to my nose.
> bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
> sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
> bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I **** harder
> bloodninja: going limp
> sweet17: HARRRRRRR
> bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
> bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
> bloodninja: going limp
> sweet17: this is stupid
> bloodninja: ...still limp
> bloodninja: Do it!
> sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
> bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your *******.
> bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
> bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
> sweet17: WTF?!?!?
> bloodninja: They stink really bad.
> sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
> bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
> bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
> bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
> sweet17: YOURE A ******* PYSCHO!!
> bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head.
> bloodninja: And turn you into a ******* candy apple...
> bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
> sweet17: **** YOU *******!!
> bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
> bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
> bloodninja: ...going limp again.
> bloodninja: Hello?
> bloodninja: Say it!
> bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!
> Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
> Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high
> heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36.
> What do you look like?
> Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 280 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a
> of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a
> T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
> Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
> Wellhung: OK
> Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the
> candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes,
> smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to
> huge, swelling bulge.
> Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
> Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
> Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
> Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
> Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
> Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides
> off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
> Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
> your blouse.I'm sorry.
> Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
> Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
> Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft
> breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
> Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck.
> have any scissors?
> Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back
> undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my
> breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
> Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
> the clasp.
> Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
> tongue all over me.
> Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts.
> They're neat!
> Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling
> Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
> Sweetheart: What?
> Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
> Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
> my blouse.
> Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a
> Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
> hard tool.
> Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
> Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
> Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over,
> out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
> Sweetheart: What's the matter?
> Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
> Sweetheart: Are you OK?
> Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
> Sweetheart: Can I help?
> Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
> through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
> Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
> Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
> Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
> Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
> Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
> Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.
> And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost.
> Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
> Wellhung: I found it.
> Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
> Wellhung: Me too.
> Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked
> bodies pressing each other.
> Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
> Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?
> Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
> the night table.
> Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
> Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
> and toward the bathroom.
> Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
> Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for
> the toilet. I lift the lid.
> Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
> Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but
> I can't find it. Uh-oh!
> Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
> Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry
> again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
> Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
> Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
> your...you know...woman's thing.
> Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
> Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your
> Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
> Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
> it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
> Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
> Sweetheart: What?
> Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
> Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on
> my face.
> Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy.
> I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
> Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
> underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
> Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
> I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,
> and your candles.
> Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
> Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of
> our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing
> at it, a shocked look on my face.
> Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
> Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Ok, here's the deal - This is funny stuff, so I'm not going to close or delete it. It's probably going to offend somebody, though, so I'm moving it to the "Everything Else" forum, where it'll have a lower profile. Please feel free to spend some time there.