14) The humor and irony of hundreds of thousands of post-menopausal lesbians (who can't get pregnant) marching through the streets of Washington D.C. and demanding abortion rights (which they already have) goes completely over your head.
13) You're unable to grasp the global war on terrorism unless Michael Moore boils it down and spoon feeds it to you as "America is killing brown people," after which you conclude that America is evil.
12) You openly cheer for America to lose the war in Iraq, you make all sorts of excuses for why we were attacked on 9/11, and you call Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld "The Real Axis of Evil," but feign shock when someone calls your "patriotism" into question.
11) You adopt the most superficial aspects of Asian culture (green tea, feng shui, and the whole "zen" thing), but mock the pillars of Asian society which make them so successful (hard work, delayed gratification, a strong family unit, and a sense of honor).
10) You cringed when you saw the photos of the Iraqi prisoners being "tortured" by having to stand naked and wear a bag over their heads, but you didn't bat an eye when the Americans were being dragged through the streets of Fallujah.
9) You blame America's over-reliance on foreign oil as the prime source of money for terrorism, but if a solar-powered car were invented tomorrow (reducing our dependence on foreign oil to zero), you would then say that it's America's fault that the Arab world is poor (and would start making excuses for future terrorist attacks based upon that premise).
8) You were certain that Kucinich, Dean, and Clark were in the "majority," because the things they said fit in with your limited worldview.
7) You decry jobs going overseas, but you wear Nikes, drive a Volvo, and shop at Wal-Mart.
6) You call conservatives "hateful and mean-spirited," then follow up by telling your friends a few "Reagan has Altzheimers" jokes.
5) You profess to hate capitalism, but jump at the chance when someone hits you up to join their get-rich-quick scheme.
4) You think John Kerry deserves to be president based solely on his questionable record as a "war hero," but balked at such an idea in 92 and 96, when two genuine war heroes ran against an admitted draft-dodging POS named Clinton.
3) You admire Japanese ex-hostage Nahoko Takato as a "great humanitarian" because she helped a handful of Iraqi children and has dedicated herself to getting the Japanese troops out of Iraq (even though the Japanese troops have helped Iraqis by the tens of thousands by repairing water purification equipment and are there in a "non-combat" humanitarian role).
2) You're convinced that AIDS would be wiped out if we could just find a way to remove the negative social stigma attached to it.
1) You are furious at Bush for dropping the ball and "allowing" 9/11 to happen by not using all of the law-enforcement tools in his arsenal (such as profiling and databases), even though you're doing everything in your power to block Attorney General John Ashcroft from using the same law-enforcement tools to prevent a FUTURE 9/11.