NEW EMPLOYEE POLICIES:



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Raises



It is advised that you should come to work dressed according to your salary:

If we see you wearing $400 Prada shoes and carrying a $800 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.


Sick Days


We will no longer accept a doctor's excuse as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.



Personal Days



Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.

They are called Saturday and Sunday.



Bereavement Leave



This is no excuse for missing work.

There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.

Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.

In rare cases, where the employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.

We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.



Toilet Use



Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.

There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders Category".

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!



Lunch Break



Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch, to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes lunch, because that is all the time needed to drink a Slim-fast.

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Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.



Thanks...

Human Resources