Diary Of A Madman

By Chris Pine
Jets Staff Writer
September 23rd, 2003
Jets C Kevin Mawae did his best Wayne Chrebet imitation to no avail
Jets C Kevin Mawae did his best Wayne Chrebet imitation to no avail
I am going to try and do something different with this post game report. I will be stealing a format from one of my favorite writers by compiling a running diary of the Patriots-Jets game. So without further ado here we go:

12:59pm: Welcome to Casa De Pine. In attendance is Buddy the Bassett Hound, Ken my roommate and fellow Jet fan, his girlfriend Nicole who does not understand the game of football and myself. Ken and I have decided to do a shot of vodka for every score the Jets have or turnover they force. We learned a few weeks ago from my Russian friend Sasha how to drink vodka like a Russian. It involves some bizarre tantric-like breathing and pickles. That is really all I can say about that. 1:01pm: So I am missing the kickoff because I am now cleaning up a rat corpse that my dog Buddy found. Here is the scene: Buddy has the rodent cornered. Ken is laying down traps, and I have bright yellow rubber gloves on and two paper plates in hand; terrified to actually touch the thing. Welcome to city life Mr. Pine.

1:07pm: Finally we are ready for football. Pizza and wings are spread out before us along with some chilled Vodka just begging to be consumed. I hope I can write something coherent by the time this game is over. Doug Brien hits a 41-yard field goal and Ken and I do celebratory shot number one of vodka. Score is 3-0 Jets.

1:15pm: Can the Jets stop “Mr. Nobody” Kevin Faulk? Just curious. I mean maybe he could rush for…I don’t know 150 yards today? Maybe?

1:19pm: Shaun Ellis gets a sack and shows signs that he has finally figured out how to play in the NFL. So far so good from our overshadowed defensive end this season.

1:23pm: They are playing that Visa commercial with “Summer Wind” by Frank Sinatra, which just makes me yearn for the playoffs…I can’t wait! I digress…

1:30pm: I don’t think anyone sells the play fake better than Tom Brady, even the cameramen get fooled by it. I keep watching the running back as Brady lofts the ball up. Amazing. What I don’t like about Brady: his helmet. What is with that? I mean it looks two sizes too short. Why is there all that space from the nape of his neck to the base of the helmet?

1:37pm: How can anyone not love those Gatorade commercials with Keith Jackson. Just awesome…

1:39pm: There is nothing more annoying than you team committing a penalty on a thirds and goal situation. Really appreciate the offsides call. Thanks. We are lucky Brady overthrew Brown in the endzone.

1:43pm: Why would Chris Baker fair catch a kick off? I am sure he has no idea what he is doing.

1:46pm: What an amazing pass by Vinny to Conway on the sideline. Vinny looks like he isn’t even trying. Meanwhile Curtis Martin is averaging 2 yards a carry. I don’t know what hurts more: the fact that Martin is on my favorite team or the fact that he is on my fantasy team.

1:47pm: Why are the Jets faking a field goal? If they just kick it they tie the game. What are they doing? I don’t understand…oh no! Mawae!!! WTF!!!!!! (For the uninformed WTF mean “what the f!@#”.

1:51pm: What an unbelievable hit made on Curtis. His legs just flopped up in the air. Amazing.

2:00pm: As Doug Brien hits another field goal we do shot number two of the vodka. A dozen wings have been consumed and I feel great! The Score is now 6-6.

2:04pm: We do our third shot of Vodka to show Nicole what the whole pickle thing is about.

2:05pm: A historic moment in Jets history: they stuffed a run play for the first time this season.

2:09pm: What an arm on David Carr. The highlight showed this amazing pass. Mark my words. In five years he will be the best quarterback in the league.

2:11pm: Don’t call it back, don’t call it back, don’t call it back….WTF Wayne. Watch your feet! A great throw by Vinny and you step out of bounds!!!!!

2:14pm: The first insults start to fly at the apartment. That isn’t bad. I figured 1:30 the earliest.

2:21pm: Thirtieth commercial for CSI so far and I have to say I hate this show. It is so unrealistic it makes me sick. The same four people investigate every crime in Las Vegas. The forensic scientists are all extremely well dressed and attractive and they not only investigate each crime scene but also question all witnesses and arrest them? Again…WTF!!!

2:26pm: I think Dick Enberg just said, “When lady luck comes to town she brings her knitting.” What the hell does that mean!!!!

2:29pm: You know…little written about has been Stryzinski’s punting. He really has been great at limiting the return yardage for the opposing team. Even if he tops out at about forty yards a punt. And it is halftime: celebratory fourth shot of Vodka.

2:38pm: This is roughly the 500th time I have seen the commercial for “The Handler” with Joe Pantoliano. Doesn’t he normally portray the perfect weasel? What a great role for the guy. Does everyone from The Sopranos become a star? Having said that I don’t think he can carry his own show. I digress.

2:42pm: Nothing feels worse than watching some highlight of a fantasy player that you have benched scoring a touchdown.

2:47pm: It is official: The Jets have no running game.

3:03pm: Every time I see Chester McGlockton do something it always turns out positive. Also: Yes Bill that was a fumble. Vodka shot number five for the turnover.

3:09pm: Curtis Conway has got to make these catches. What is his problem? Brien field goal equals Vodka shot number six. Score update 9-9.

3:16pm: The Jets just can’t let up a touchdown here; not with how there are struggling…scratch that. Brady scrambles for the score. Big Surprise. We decide to do a misery shot. Number seven. Socre is now 16-9 Pats.

3:20pm: Dick Enberg just called Joe Pantoliano’s new show “The Hammer” instead of “The Handler”. I don’t know why that is funny to me. Yes I do. Anything is funny when vodka is involved.

3:24pm: I am in Hell. It is the only answer. I feel nauseas. Interception returned for a touchdown by some rookie? Samuels? Who is that? WTF!!! Misery shot number eight. Score is now 23-9 Pats. In other words: this game is over.

3:33pm: Thank you Wayne for making that catch. We needed a touchdown there. Thank you Rich Kotite for giving this kid a chance. Jets score making it 23-16 Patriots. Touchdown results in shot number nine. I can’t feel my face.

3:47pm: The Jets are 1 for 11 on third down conversions today. Oh by the way Doug Brien just missed a field goal. Now all the Pats need to do is burn some clock and they can hold on to win this thing. I feel sick.

3:52pm: There it is! Is Dave Wandstat calling these plays? Why would the Patriots go three and out passing each play? They burned no time and now give the ball back to the Jets. I just don’t understand coaches at all.

3:56pm: Well I guess Belichick knew something I didn’t because the Jets just went three and out as well. This is disgusting. I feel like my head is going to explode.

4:08pm: What is up with Kevin Mawae? He drops that ball on the fake, he has been committing penalties left and right; what could it be? I am voting that it is because he shaved off the goatee. Kevin get on the ball and grow that again! Before it is too late!

4:12pm: Game over. Final score Patriots 23 Jet 16. My buddy Ken and I have misery shot number ten as our team’s season goes down in flames. I may never predict the outcome of another Jets game again. This is the absolute worst-case scenario that we could ever have expected. We can’t even blame it on Vinny because he is playing well and he has no help. I don’t know where we go from here. I have no answers or insight. I can only sum this game/season up with one word: UGH! I am just counting the days until the baseball playoffs begin.

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